


Awakening

by Berlinoisette



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Drama, F/M, First Time, Fluff, Moral Dilemmas, Romance, Smut, Unregular Updates
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-12
Updated: 2018-08-09
Packaged: 2018-08-22 01:18:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 12
Words: 35,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8267441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Berlinoisette/pseuds/Berlinoisette
Summary: Set after the game: Joel and Ellie are settling down in Jackson. With all the deathly excitement gone, Ellie starts going through some changes. Hormones are raging and Ellie finds herself attracted to a certain well-built bearded man.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I definitely do not own The Last of Us - great game though! Ellie is a teenager and Joel a (despite his good looks) middle aged man - don't like, don't read.

Her heart was pounding like crazy. 

‘What the fuck is going on?’ She sat upright, anxiously looking around the room. Small droplets of sweat started slowly rolling down her face and she let out a deep sigh as if she had been holding her breath for five minutes straight. She was still in bed; half covered by a woolen blanket Maria had given her a few weeks back. 

She didn’t quite know what had been the reason for her abrupt awakening but she figured it was best to move and find out. Her flight instinct was still acutely alert due to all the shit that had been happening over the past twelve months. Ellie found it wasn’t as easy as she had hoped to grow accustomed to this much safer lifestyle she and Joel had been enjoying for a while now. 

Living in the ever-growing “City of Jackson” (as Maria insisted they call the accumulation of shacks and self-built houses in the valley) had been nice and quiet – just the opposite of most of Ellie’s life up until now. 

She shook the painful thoughts that tried to nag on the edge of her consciousness aside and tried to ignore the spasm in her stomach. ‘Just nerves’, she tried to calm herself with no real effect.

Ellie got up and went to the window looking out into their backyard (or more likely the little patch of weeds that they had started working on to transform into a nice garden only yesterday). It was still a little dark outside and she couldn’t quite make out if there was something to worry about out there or not. She tried focusing on her hearing instead, but failed to find any disturbing sound reaching her ears. Quietly she walked over to the door of her room and opened it so she could peek into the hallway of their house. Joel’s room was just two doors down, only the bathroom separated their private quarters. 

She wasn’t sure if she should be grateful for this since Joel sometimes snored loudly for no apparent reason. Though, Ellie couldn’t remember ever really being bothered by it (except maybe in the beginning of their journey, when she had loathed his guts), but now and again the snoring seemed loud as gunfire in this shitty silent little town. At other times, it had been the most soothing of all noises – especially after last winter. She smelled something burning and started shivering immediately. 

‘Just a memory’, she tried to calm herself. 

The hallway was dark and silent as well. No snoring, no light, no nothing. 

‘Weird’, Ellie thought and turned to go back to bed. She definitely still had some more hours until she needed to get up and report for duty. A yawn fought its way up to her mouth and she nestled down in her comfy blanket once more. 

As she closed her eyes, a scene popped into her head. Strong hands were hugging her and caressing her back. Soft, long strokes made her skin tickle and her hands found their way around the other person’s body to reciprocate the embrace. Somehow, Ellie felt like having seen these images before and - opening her eyes again – realized that this image was exactly, what had made her wake up in the first place. Although the dream could – from an outsider’s perspective – seem innocent, Ellie felt a slight prickling sensation between her thighs and a mild spasm in her lower abdomen. This reaction she assessed to definitely not being innocent at all!

For the second time she wondered, what the hell the matter was. These last few days had most certainly been the strangest ones in her short but adventurous life. And this dream was a pretty good example. Only two days ago, she had watched some of the men at work building another home for who-knows-who and Joel and Tommy had been supervising and helping. Everyone was sweating under the gleaming September sun and soon enough they had all gotten rid of their shirts/flannels/tees (you name it), pearls of sweat glistening on each one of their torsos and backs. Ellie had suddenly felt her heartbeat quickening and her breath catching in her throat, before she had coughed and shaken her head in confusion and the moment had passed.

It seemed to her that all of a sudden, totally normal situations or actions of other people turned her into this weird reacting human being. Maybe she was falling ill? The camp doctor (a former veterinarian) had told her about all these different kinds of diseases humankind (and animals) had worried about before this damn fungal apocalypse. She may be immune and not turn into a clicker any time soon but that didn’t mean she couldn’t get the flu or something. 

Going back to sleep proved really difficult. Every time she closed her eyes those strong arms would pull her into a hug again and that was just distracting as hell. So she lay in bed till sunrise and got up with a strong intent to go see the camp doctor that very day. 

***

When Joel went down to the kitchen to prepare some breakfast, Ellie had already disappeared to who knows where. He had heard her close the door on her way out while he had been getting dressed. Now he wondered, if he should prepare breakfast for her as well or not. Might as well…

It was strange, to not see her in the morning. He didn’t like to admit it, but he kind of missed sleeping next to the little bugger. It had been some time now, that every one of them had claimed their own room, ‘cause some of the town folk would have deemed it ‘inappropriate’, as Maria kept on reminding him, till he couldn’t take her shit anymore. Not one of them really knew, what the two of them had been going through, yet alone how safe one felt knowing the person who usually got your back slept right alongside you. 

He didn’t want to think about the events of last winter, but of course they sprung up right next to his memories of killing clickers and runners. 

‘Fucking asshole…’, Joel thought while picturing David’s remains (all bloody with a deep cut from ear to ear, stab wounds in his eyes an thorax etc.). That offered him a little comfort at least. Joel had never really asked Ellie what had happened while he was blacked out and she never seemed to want to share neither. As he himself hated prying as much as it gets, he thought it better to just wait for her to open up. Though that left him to his own imagination, which as sure as hell wasn’t comforting at all. 

For sometime, Ellie had flinched at every touch (although Joel wasn’t the touching type to begin with). Only a hand on her shoulder would make her jump or dive away from the hand as if it were on fire. That had led him to believe, fucking David might have touched her, you know, in a really bad way. He shook his head in order to loose the images forming involuntarily: Ellie in a cell, Ellie tied down, Ellie being hit in the face, Ellie getting stripped and screaming ‘NO!’, Ellie struggling for her virtue and life…

“Goddamn it!”, he grunted. 

If she hadn’t killed this motherfucker, he would have. And to be honest, that would have probably been best, considering Ellie’s mental state after the incident. She was as quiet as shit and that just wasn’t right.

Joel tried to get rid of all these thoughts and get back to reality. She was alright now. Happy as a clam, so to speak. 

***

“It’s not the flu, that is all I can tell you Ellie.” The camp doctor Paul looked at her reassuringly with a smile on his face. Or was it more like a big ass grin? Ellie was confused. He had hardly examined her and just listened to her describing the normal situations that had made her feel so weird. 

“Don’t you need to check my temperature or something?”, she asked disbelievingly. 

“Nope. Pretty sure it’s nothing serious. Let’s just say nature is kicking in.” Was he fucking kidding her with this? Did he honestly believe that would make her feel any less anxious? This fucking vagueness and stupid smirk on his face?

“What d’you mean by that? Am I finally turning into on of those monsters, cause I can tell you, you are fucking gonna be my first stop!” 

“Whoa there, calm down. It’s nothing like that. I’d rather you talked to Maria about this though. I don’t really feel comfortable having ‘the talk’ with you.” He enunciated the noun so strongly that Ellie couldn’t possibly miss that there had to be a hidden meaning to it. But what exactly did he mean? 

“You are a fucking nightmare of a doctor”, she grunted and walked off toward Maria’s home. 

She had to still be home having breakfast with Tommy. They only lived two houses down from her and Joel’s. She guessed, Tommy might have had something to do with it. Not everybody had welcomed Joel and Ellie back with open arms, when they had arrived after the whole Firefly-Seattle-debacle. He probably wanted to keep them close in order to keep them safe. 

Before she knew it, she was standing outside their home, knocking – rather franticly – at the wooden front door. Ellie could hear sounds of a commotion inside the house and wondered for a second if intruders had made their way into their village. The moment it took for her to weigh her options (a: storming in ready to shoot or b: running to her home and get Joel) was enough for Maria to answer the door clearly distracted and looking like she had just been in a fight. Her hair was all messed up and she was panting slightly. The red blouse she was wearing was buttoned up all wrong and the fly of her jeans was undone. 

“What up, Ellie?”, she asked trying to be nonchalant, leaning against the door frame. 

“Er… is everything alright? I thought I heard some fighting or whatever…” 

“Everything is just peachy. Just redecorating, you know, moving some furniture around with Tommy” – she turned towards the kitchen and yelled louder (and a little shriller) than was necessary – “Hey, Tommy, Ellie heard us moving the furniture, we should really keep it down!” 

“Hey, Ellie!” Tommy replied curtly but didn’t emerge from the kitchen. In the meantime Maria had turned her head back to watch Ellie curiously. 

“So, what’s up?”, she asked again.

Ellie shook her head in confusion. She got the feeling there was something going on, that had nothing to do with furniture. But she tried to focus on her problem and what the doctor had ordered her to do.

“I have been feeling weird since a few days and Paul said it’s not the flu and that I should have ‘the talk’” – she mimicked quotation marks with her hands – “with you because it would make him uncomfortable and I am just plain confused as to what is going on with me lately.” She felt like she had just pulled the plug on her thoughts and babbled on without interruption from Maria about the strange things that kept happening to her heart and breath and perspiration and belly. 

A knowing smile crept on Marias face as Ellie continued, retelling the sighting of bare chested sweating men and the repeating image of being hugged tightly. Suddenly, Maria pulled her into a firm but soft embrace and planted a kiss on the top of her head. Then she took Ellie’s hand and pulled her inside the house. The girl followed her into the living room and they sat down on the old yet comfy sofa. 

“It’s hormones, darling”, Maria said simply as if that would explain everything. 

“What hormones?”, Ellie asked. 

“The ones that sometimes go overboard when you really hit puberty.”

What the fuck? Ellie remembered the conversation she had had with Marlene when her breasts had started growing and the time her period had started. She knew she could get pregnant now and that bleeding into your pants every four weeks wasn’t abnormal (although it was fucking disgusting and definitely not the best part of every month). She sort of knew of the concept of puberty but what the hell was the involvement of so-called hormones in this matter and how did they connect to her feeling weird?

Looking at Ellie’s face, Maria contemplated whether to dive into a full-blown version of ‘sex ed – post apocalyptic style’ or test her little protégé as to what she knew. 

“You have your period already, right, Ellie?”

“Yeah”, she responded shyly. That was definitely not something cool to talk about. 

“And did you ever talk with somebody about… sex?”, Maria asked tentatively. Ellie nodded slightly. A blush rose to her cheeks and she looked down, suddenly overly interested in the structure of the cushion lying next to her. 

“Well see, your body is kind of ‘awakening’, if you will, and wants to introduce you to the possibility of having sex. The hormones I talked about earlier are responding to different triggers – like seeing hot nude men sweating from labor. It is kind of in our genes. It’s like nature’s way of telling us to go procreate and prepare our body for the pleasures to come… Sorry, I’m terrible at this.” 

“But, but… I don’t want to be a mother. I am still a teenager!” Ellie exclaimed in a scared tone. Maria put her right hand on Ellie’s arm, calming her down.

“That’s not what I am saying. Your body is just telling you that you can start exploring a little. I think it definitely told you that well build guys with strong arms are a turn-on.” She smiled broadly and patted Ellie’s arm reassuringly. Then she suddenly stood up and pulled the girl up on her feet with her. 

“You just go home and think about what I said. If you have any questions, you know where to find me”, Maria said in a sort of rushed tone “…just be sure to knock!” – she added quickly. “And now excuse me, I have some more redecorating to do.” 

And with that the village leader ushered Ellie out the door. 

***


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the positive Feedback (kudos&reviews). Here it goes...

This evening, Ellie was really still at the dinner table. Joel glanced at her and wondered if he should be worrying or not. He didn’t like her being this quiet. Thoughts about David’s attack on her emerged again and he wondered if this was the right time to ask about what had happened.

“Ellie?” 

She didn’t answer, didn’t even look up from her untouched plate of baked potatoes. Her fork kept making slight scratching noises as she moved it across the plate. 

“Ellie, you alright?”, he asked again a bit louder. This time she stirred in her seat a little and lifted an empty fork to her mouth. Joel frowned but didn’t try again. ‘Chicken’, he cursed himself. When he had finished, he started cleaning the table and when he asked if she was done with her food as well she escaped her trance abruptly. 

“What did you say?”, she asked.

“Just wanted to know if you were done… what’s going on with you?” His voice betrayed a hint of annoyance. He had worked on the new house on the other end of town all day with a few other men (who where all a bit grumpy and annoyed with the hot summer they were having which made every kind of labor nearly unbearable) and had really been looking forward to a nice evening with Ellie – talking, cleaning guns or doing whatever. 

“What? Nothing!” Her reply came a little too quickly with a bit too much hope in her eyes à la 'please-believe-me'. This girl was so bad at hiding things, he almost laughed. She speedily stuffed some potatoes in her mouth and began chewing energetically – obviously avoiding any sort of discussion he might have been planning on starting. 

Joel shook his head in disbelief. Sometimes Ellie was just so fucking weird. ‘Teenagers’, he heard a familiar voice say exasperatedly inside his mind. Oh well… 

He settled on the couch and continued reading the shitty thriller he had found in the town’s library. When he heard Ellie get up and put away her things, he looked up to meet her eyes lingering on him and wondered what the heck had happened over the last 24 hours. When she realized that he was looking questioningly back at her, she jumped a little and resolutely turned towards the stairs, threw him a quick “G’night” over her shoulder and was gone. 

 

\------------------

 

For the second time in two days she awoke with a jolt. 

“Damn it”, she cursed under her breath. Ellie didn’t dare to close her eyes again but sat up rapidly and without hesitation turned towards the adjoining bathroom. With a few strides she reached the faucet and began angrily splashing water onto her face. If this weird dreaming continued, she would never have a decent night of sleep ever again. She tried deliberately thinking about anything else than what had happened in her dream – beetles, flowers, hunting, clickers, damn David… she stopped abruptly and choked a little. ‘No, let’s not go there… not a good idea…’

She stood up straight, looking at herself in the mirror. Her face was still the same, reddish brown hair up in a ponytail, her bright green eyes wide open. For a moment, she didn’t dare look below her neck. All this talk about her body being ready for sex – or getting ready or whatever – had blocked her mind to the outside world ever since she had talked to Maria this morning. And now all she could think about was her body changing not only on the outside (she looked down at her chest and saw that her breasts were indeed a bit more pronounced against her sleeping shirt – an old flannel of Joel’s) but on the inside, too. Did that mean, that every girl/ woman had the same kind of thoughts as the ones preoccupying Ellie’s conscious and subconscious? 

“Fuck!”, she swore and slapped the basin with her hand. 

All of a sudden there was some noise coming from the room next door. Joel’s room. And she cursed herself for not holding back on the bad language and volume at this time of night. Surely Joel could use a good night’s sleep as well as her. But too late; he was already standing in the doorframe on his side of the bathroom, looking around to check the tiny room for unwanted surprises. Ellie felt a small relief about the fact, that she wasn’t the only one who had difficulty dropping her survival 'fight and flight' instincts. 

“What’s wrong, kiddo?”, he finally asked, when no apparent threat revealed itself.

She shook her head. “Nothing. Sorry for waking you up…” 

“Bad dream?”, he asked concerned. Ever since her traumatic experience last winter, she had often had nightmares in which David would succeed on strangling her. 

“Kind of…”, she trailed off not daring to look the man in the eye. She couldn’t possibly talk to Joel about her being (firmly but gently) pinned down by those strong hands of her dream the day before and then being caressed along her neck by soft fingers. 

Gladly enough, Joel didn’t ask any further questions. He probably thought about another David-nightmare and just stepped aside, pointing to his room with one hand. 

“Come lie down with me, I’ll keep you safe.” His voice was so soft and Ellie knew, if she went back to her room, she wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep anyway. Maybe Joel could step in as a dream catcher. They had slept beside each other the first few weeks after their arrival in the village (and of course every night before on their journey), but Joel had apparently wanted some privacy and had built her a bed to put in her own room. Sometimes she really missed, having his huge form next to her, protecting her (but since there was hardly any danger in this god-forsaken town, there was no excuse to continue, she reckoned).

Ellie nodded without saying another word and followed him into his room. They lay down next to each other without touching. The grown man lifted his blanket to cover them both, hugged her once awkwardly from the side, wished Ellie a good night and settled on his back. The girl turned on her left side to look at him. The little silver hiding in-between his black mane was glistening in the moonlight coming through the window. She wanted to snuggle up to him but didn’t dare. He looked so peaceful and relaxed, that Ellie exhaled and finally started to calm down. She closed her eyes and when she didn’t see any remnants of the weird dream, she quickly dozed off.

 

\-----------------

 

Joel felt the warm morning sunlight on his skin before he saw it. He struggled a little to open his eyes, which wanted to stay shut and make him drift off to sleep once more. When he finally succeeded, one look out the window told him that it was still early. He listened to some birds singing their morning hymn and closed his eyes again, relaxing against his pillow. 

Besides him, Ellie was stirring, too. Small noises where escaping her mouth and for a moment he feared she could have another nightmare. Joel turned on his side to watch the girl lying next to him. Her eyes were shut tightly and her features showed distress.

“Ellie?” He gently touched her shoulder to wake her but out of nowhere her right hand flew up to push his away. ‘What?’, he didn’t quite understand what was going on until he saw her hand disappear between the covers again. Hesitantly he began lifting the blanket off of their bodies. 

He froze. 

The young girl had captured both her arms in between her legs, her hands unmistakably pressing against her sex, her small hips moving slightly for- and backwards. 

He let the blanket drop back into place and hurriedly got up. The way downstairs to the kitchen wasn’t even registered. His subconscious also managed to prepare a kettle for tea while trying to avoid any actual thinking. But that was a plan bound to fail. Of course the picture was imprinted in his mind and he couldn’t shake the feeling of having witnessed something innocent and shameful at the same time. 

Wasn’t Ellie way too young to be doing something like that? What age did she say she was again when they had met? Fourteen? Now fifteen? He hadn’t exactly been keeping track. Birthdays weren’t a big thing for Joel anymore as it painfully reminded him of the night following his birthday and what he had lost. He glanced at his watch and paused for a moment, remembering Sarah’s happy face when she had offered him his present. 

The boiling kettle brought him back to the present. He finished preparing his tea and sat down at their dinner table. A struggle erupted inside his mind whether he should even be thinking about what had been or was still going on inside his bedroom. Sure, it was his bedroom – damn, his BED – that had been the scene of the crime. Okay, not a crime exactly. She had been asleep, hadn’t she though? So maybe she wasn’t even aware of what she had been doing? 

‘She is just an innocent girl’ Joel tried to calm himself. 

‘Don’t be such a hypocrite!’ another part of him reproved. ‘When did you start jerking off? Be honest!’ 

He scratched his beard, then closed his eyes and put his head in his palms, his elbows resting on the table. An exasperated sigh left him as he tried to reason with himself. Sure, he had been even younger – twelve to be exact – when he had started exploring. Some buddies had brought a dirty magazine from one of their fathers to school one day and they had all hung back after classes to inspect it closely. That was the first time he had looked at the female body with lust (not that he had known how to call the feeling that had crept up on him back then). On this cold autumn day thirty-five years ago, he had grabbed the magazine after everyone had had a good look and taken it home with him, admiring the beautiful girls with his flashlight under the covers that night, masturbating for the very first time. 

But seeing Ellie as a sexually active – in a way – teenager was just not right. She was just a little girl, or at least up until now, he had never really thought about seeing her in a different light. 

Before starting to graphically imagine Ellie looking at Bill’s magazine while touching herself, he decided to get ready and head off to work. ‘Better be gone by the time she awakes’, he reckoned. He just didn’t feel like looking her in the eye and pretend everything was normal just yet. For a second he remembered her weirdness at dinner the day before and wondered if it was in any way related to his weirdness right now but decided to put an end to his thinking process for the time being. 

Keeping busy was the new motto of the day.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sexy times for both Joel and Ellie - however, they don't really get together... yet.

Ellie’s day had been uneventful so far. She awoke to an empty house well rested and with only a vague recollection of why she had slept in Joel’s bed instead of her own. Pushing any thought to the night’s disturbance aside, she rose and after having a cup of tea, went into town to find Maria. Somehow, she felt way more relaxed than at any point during the last two days. 

‘Must’ve been a hell of a nap’, she thought and smiled happily. 

Maria wasn’t at home and neither was Tommy. She crossed the town center (‘Downtown Jackson’) and climbed the ladder to the wall surrounding most of the city. It wasn’t exactly a wall made of bricks like in the middle ages, but more like adjoining lookouts. She was helping with guard duty regularly, her next shift starting this afternoon. Maria sometimes came here to talk about incoming products, hunting parties leaving or changes in patrol duty.

A man was sitting in an old lawn chair with his rifle on his lap looking into the distance. 

“Morning, Wilson.”

“Hey, Ellie.” Wilson was in his late fifties and far from being in good shape like Joel was. Fine, his bearded companion was ten years younger, but Ellie doubted, that Joel would become as thin (almost frail) and weak as the man sitting in front of her in ten years time. She liked Wilson enough, but felt he may have had as much a chance to win in hand-to-hand combat as her. He was a gifted hunter though and could spot and shoot prey (or clickers or bad guys) from a considerable distance. That made him almost invaluable on the wall. 

“Have you seen Maria? I wanted to ask if I could start my shift early. I’m kind of bored.” Also she wanted to clear her head and staring at the lovely scenery Jackson’s outskirts presented was perfect for just that.

“You wanna start early? Here you go.” Wilson didn’t even ask for a reason, he just stood up and gave her his rifle; seemingly glad to get off early. Then he put one of his hands on her shoulder, gave her a good squeeze and climbed down the ladder. 

‘Well he certainly didn’t need to be asked to leave twice’, she thought, wondering slightly why he had been so quick in accepting her – not really an offer even – words. ‘Might as well enjoy it though.’ 

And so her watch began.

***

When Joel got home around six, Ellie was nowhere to be seen. He remembered her telling him about her shift starting at three and he relaxed. He hadn’t even realized how tense he had been all day. Somehow, he felt that this tension wasn’t only connected to building a house all day. 

‘It’s been a while…’, he thought to himself and when he settled into bed a few hours later, he tried remembering the last time he had had ‘real’ sex. It most definitely had been with Tess. There was a stabbing sensation in his gut. He was sad, that he had lost his partner in such a hurry, without really having the opportunity to say goodbye. Things had to change at some point. He couldn’t just NOT mourn the loss of her. Since her brutal but inevitable death, he had tried brushing each thought of her aside. That had proven to be more difficult than he expected at first with Ellie constantly trying to apologize and then Bill getting on and on about how Tess wouldn’t approve and so on. 

They hadn’t exactly been a couple. Their relationship was of a more complex and complicated nature. Tess had never been his friend, much less his girlfriend. She was his partner first and foremost. At first, they had just been a motley crew, working together out of sheer necessity and profiting from each other’s contacts. But over time, just like every other male-female-relationship outside the family, their dynamic underwent some changes. Tension built and without any true love involved, they had begun a sexual affair. They didn’t exchange affections the way couples did. To them, sex was a possibility to feel some pleasure in these fucked up times and a fun way to blow off some steam. It had always been efficient, just like every one of their jobs. Tess had usually been in charge. He could picture her now, taking off her own clothes and slightly glaring in his direction.

“Get undressed”, she would have said casually but with determination in her voice. And Joel would respond ‘Yes ma’am…’ or ‘Sure thing, boss’, because that was his thing. She would almost always make the first move, pushing him down on the bed (or couch, or floor… hell one time she had actually pushed him against a table, commanding him to climb atop and lie down there…). Then she would sit next to him, grabbing his member like a beer bottle and beginning to stroke in a quick pace.

Joel’s breath caught. He reached down underneath the covers and started freeing his dick while his imagination continued painting pictures of past events.  
When he wasn’t already hard as a rock, Tess would often be disappointed and only strike him that much faster without mercy. Sometimes she would touch his balls and that would definitely get him going. 

She never used her mouth or lips though. There was no kissing involved, ever. That would be too personal and it was not what their relationship was like. When it was his turn to pleasure her (and she would never forget to remind him), he would hold her in one of his arms while finger-fucking her till she came or told him to stop. Albeit her tough and bossy exterior, she mostly wanted him to dominate her when they eventually came around to having intercourse. She preferred to be fucked from behind, not looking at Joel, while edging him on to thrust as fast and hard as possible. In the beginning, this side of her had really freaked him out, but over time he figured, it was the only way she could let go and enjoy, knowing that someone just kind of ‘forced’ her to. Or maybe it had something to do with the childhood she never wanted to talk about. 

Although sex with Tess had meant a nearly assured orgasm, the thought of their intimacy was not doing the trick tonight. It might have had to do with the fact, that Joel felt conflicted about mourning her while imagining her jerking him off at the same time. Of course, his member had started to grow hard(-ish), but it was still pretty flaccid considering the scenes flashing before his inner eye. 

He tried remembering the one time sex with Tess had slightly resembled that of two lovers. The woman had been showering and when Joel had walked into the bathroom to clean up as well, he saw her touching herself, purring like a kitten. It had been the most fragile he had ever seen her. He continued watching her, starting to pleasure himself leaning against the bathroom sink. Eventually he had joined her in the shower…

The image of Ellie squeezing her hands in-between her thighs, moving her hips in order to cause friction against her clit, suddenly popped into his head. 

“No!” he sighed angrily, stopping his movements. This was so damn inappropriate for him to think about. He shook his head resolutely, trying to remember the shape of Tess’s breast, the well-defined muscles on her arms, his fingers stroking along her wet folds. 

Ellie’s faint moan filled his ears again. Of course she was present only in his memory, but it was distracting nonetheless. It didn’t help matters that his dick had decided to twitch euphorically at the memory of the girl lying in his bed, pleasuring herself. 

“Damn it…” he grunted. This could not be happening. How could thinking about the woman he had had sex with multiple times not trigger a sufficient reaction in his crotch, yet inappropriately remembering his young companion masturbating in her sleep made him hard in no time at all? He really should stop what he was doing right now! 

But somehow, his urges overthrew his moral concerns and his hands immediately found the (conveniently) now hard flesh. Every stroke was bliss and brought him nearer to the first orgasm in way too long. He thought about how Ellie’s hair had been all messed up this morning, how her eyes had been shut in delight, how her hips had moved against her rigid arms. But it was the memory of her soft moans that pushed him over the edge. 

***

At three in the afternoon she had spotted some runners in the distance. They ran around the edge of the woods but never really came close. Only when Nick - a twenty-something year old - came to relief her of the rifle close to midnight, did her exhaustion fully creep up on her. The day had passed without her even realizing it. Her thoughts had returned to her conversation with Maria again and again. She had asked herself how bad it actually was, that she started to feel the things she had been feeling. Sure she had been surprised – maybe even a little shocked – in the beginning; but that was due to the unfamiliarity. It was an entirely different thing, knowing about sex and suddenly feeling things that could lead to HER having sex.

When she got home, everything was dark and quiet. Joel had certainly gone to bed already. She kind of missed him, she realized. Not seeing him for an entire day was new and strange. She didn’t like it. There was a small nod in her stomach and she went to the fridge to retrieve some of yesterday’s potatoes, suspecting a mild hunger crisis. But even when she had finished, the clenching sensation in her belly hadn’t entirely disappeared. 

She prepared for bed and lay down tiredly. Sleep didn’t come easily though and she began picturing Joel’s day. Normally he would have told her over dinner, what he and the others on the building crew had accomplished that day. She had no idea how far they had gotten with the new house over the last few days. Imagining him sawing wood into smaller pieces and attaching them to the building shell made her remember the incident a week ago, when everyone had been sweating and discarding their shirts. 

She thought back to Joel’s broad and tan shoulders, small droplets of glistening sweat finding their way down to the small of his back. His muscular arms were using his shirt to dry off his face and neck and his eyes were squeezed shut against the burning sun. Her memory transformed into something she most definitely had never seen: She imagined him getting some water and drinking it thirstily, not being able to avoid spilling some on his nude torso. Before Ellie’s inner eye, she saw Joel looking down at his chest in surprise, his strong abdominal muscles flexing. 

Without really intending to do it, Ellie’s hands found their way to her own chest and belly. She unbuttoned her flannel and sighed a little as she remembered how her heart had skipped a beat when Joel had done the exact same thing with his shirt at the construction site. Her small fingers slid beneath the fabric and to her breasts of their own accord. The soft touch was warm and made her body vibrate a little. Her right hand caressed her abdomen, which was tickling on the inside. Ellie felt wonderful. 

In her imagination, Joel was walking towards her and the scene changed. He was holding her with his strong arms like in one of her dreams. But this time she could see his face. He pulled her into a hug like so often before in real life. This time however, her heartbeat accelerated and she leaned against his bare chest smelling his sweat. His scent was salty but nice and she nestled into his side, when his arms began stroking her back. 

Her right hand was now gliding down towards her thighs. With minimal contact she more or less hovered over her skin, enjoying the sensation of anticipation. She shivered and then – as if she had done it a hundred times before – brought her hand down on her sex. She could feel her wet panties beneath her fingers and moaned slightly as her fingers pressed down a little harder. Slowly she began stroking her folds through the fabric – up and down, up and down. Her breath grew shallower by the minute and her heart kept pounding forcibly inside her chest. The space between her legs was hot and wet and tingly somehow. There was a tension building in her lower belly. It wasn’t painful like during her period, but reminded her of a good massage – only just inside of her. 

The Joel in her imagination was moving one hand from her back to her butt and further down between her legs. Just like her real hand it was sliding up and down her sex. 

Ellie suddenly buckled upwards on her bed and she opened her eyes in surprise. A moan started to escape her mouth and she was just barely able to stop it from becoming too loud. She felt something inside of her contract again and again, sending a feeling of sweet pleasure through her entire body. 

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your positive responses! I hope you enjoyed me turning up the heat a little ;)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry, I had this fantasy of Ellie taking advantage of Joel's hands while he is sleeping and had to write it down. This however, is just a fantasy, a fanfic and I am in no way pro-molestation/-sexual harassment etc. It is of course not okay, to use him this way, since he didn't give consent. If you get triggered by this stuff, maybe skip the second 2/3 of this chapter (starting at the *** !!!!!!!!! ***).

Ellie hadn’t exactly been thinking about the possible repercussions resulting of her imagining Joel as more than a friend/ father figure/ travel companion. The next day however, she was confronted with the grown man of her ‘dreams’ standing half naked in the kitchen preparing breakfast. She stopped in her tracks and looked at his naked torso. 

Drops of water fell from his still wet hair onto his back. He had obviously just come out of the shower. She already started feeling the tingly sensation between her legs again.

“Morning, Kiddo.” 

“Hey…” she didn’t quite know what to say. Her face was burning hot and she was certain the moment he turned around, he would know what kind of thinking was going on inside her little head. 

“I gotta talk to Maria, see you later.” She quickly left the house before he had any chance to interject or possibly interrogate her as to her strange behavior this past week. Ellie almost broke into a run, but had already reached Tommy and Maria’s house. As franticly as a few days before, she knocked at the front door. A glance back to her own home revealed a curiously looking Joel, watching her from the kitchen window. She hastily turned around trying to hide her face. After what seemed like ages, she heard footsteps inside the house and Tommy opened the front door a second later.

“Morning, Tommy. Sorry, gotta talk to Maria right now!” And she rushed past him inside the house. 

“Morning, Ellie, how are you? You wanna come in? Sure…” Tommy mumbled to himself. “Maria!” he called his wife. She emerged from the upstairs hallway instantly.   
“Coming, coming.” When she saw Ellie, she just waved Tommy out of the house and sat down with the girl on the couch. 

“You want some tea, honey? You look a little feverish. Maybe it is the flu after all?” She wasn’t serious and Ellie growled a little at her stupid joke. 

“Damn you and the hormones, Maria! I was totally fine a few days ago until you suggested I… explore.” The last word came out as a whisper more than anything else. Her volume had decreased with every fucking word and now she was too ashamed of her last night’s actions to look the woman sitting opposite her into the eyes. For once, she hoped that Maria could read minds and she didn’t have to spill her deepest, darkest secret up to this point to the town leader.

“So, I guess that means you went exploring… with somebody?”, Maria asked cautiously. She didn’t want to freak Ellie out any further.

“What? No! No… I mean… define ‘with somebody’…”

“Well has anyone touched you except yourself, is that what happened?”

“No! Most definitely not!” Ellie was flabbergasted. She was so ashamed about having touched herself while thinking about Joel (JOEL, of all people!!!), she didn’t even want to imagine her shame after actually having had someone (Joel maybe? – ‘STOP IT!!!’) else touch her.

“But it has to do with someone, right? You wouldn’t feel so ashamed about just exploring yourself, would you? I told you, it is only natural. Everybody does it. Sexuality is part of being human. Like eating, breathing and sleeping – if you will.” Maria felt like a sex ad teacher once again. She wasn’t sure in which direction this conversation was going yet.

“I… I… I imagined someone t-t-touching me.” Man! What was wrong with her? She normally never stuttered. Fuck fuck fuck! 

“Ellie, don’t worry. That is totally fine! It’s exactly what I meant when you told me ‘bout those guys sweating and stripping, you remember? A definite turn-on! Nobody, not even you should censure your imagination. Just – I don’t know how to put it – go with the flow. It’s FINE.” She pulled Ellie into an embrace stroking her hair. 

“I know, it’s scary in the beginning, getting to know your body and handling all those different feelings at once. But it is a wonderful thing, being able to enjoy this stuff and you shouldn’t give up. It’s what everybody goes through…”

“Even guys?” Ellie had a sudden thought. How would a guy (Joel for example) have handled these kinds of thoughts about someone being near and dear to him when he was young?

“Especially boys… believe me, they have it even worse. They sometime feel aroused with no apparent reason. They can’t hide it as well as we can and their imagination sometimes sucks, which can be quite frustrating if we were to believe certain sources…” Ellie connected the dots quickly.

“Ugh, Maria, shut up! I don’t wanna know this kind of stuff about Tommy!” 

The girl got up and turned for the door, slightly calmer than before. 

“It’s all good Ellie. Do, what feels good and don’t stop exploring. Is all I’ll say for now.” 

 

*** 

 

He couldn’t really remember how it had happened, but that night, Ellie was lying next to him again. She had been thoughtful all day, sometimes avoiding him altogether, sometimes asking strange questions about his childhood, which seemed a bit too random. Joel suspected, that she wanted to talk about something particular, but didn’t quite know how to phrase her questions or didn’t dare asking them out loud. 

He had not forgotten about her self-pleasuring in his bed the other morning, but tried to ignore the definite possibility of it happening again. He felt ashamed of having thought about her while touching himself – although he attempted to calm himself by repeating over and over that she hadn’t been his first choice. 

The thing leading up to her presence next to him now, was his feeling that something was definitely wrong. The bad dreams, the avoiding, her being quiet and then jumpy all of a sudden. He had to admit that he worried for her. Maybe she hadn’t digested their journey as well as he had hoped. Maybe never really talking about David or Riley and the other people she had clearly lost before they met, wasn’t working out afterall. It was also very possible that she didn’t like living in Jackson. He would have to talk to her for real tomorrow. No escaping, no evading, no avoiding anymore. 

He closed his eyes. The day had been long and exhausting. After nearly two months non-stop labor, they had finally finished the rough version of the new house. Sure, there were still some minor reparations and decorating and stuff to do, but that was not his thing anyways. He was looking forward to joining the hunting party again next week. Longing thoughts about green woods and fresh creeks filled his mind and he soon drifted off to sleep. 

 

*** !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ***

 

Ellie was still wide-awake when Joel began snoring mildly. She exhaled audibly. Joel had more or less insisted on her sleeping in his bed again. He was starting to worry about her, she could tell. Only thing was, with his hot body lying this close to her – after what had happened in her mind the night before – was not the best way to send a girl off to sleep. 

Just thinking about her shameful thoughts brought back a familiar tension in her lower abdomen and a hot and moist feeling between her legs. ‘Damn it, not now!’ she thought, but couldn’t stop her fingers from sliding down between her legs like the day before and rubbing against the fabric of her panties. 

It was so fucking wrong and frustrating – all at the same time. She couldn’t possibly be touching herself with Joel lying only a few inches left of her! And yet, the prickling sensation in her lower body commanded the rest of it to work on a release without her rational mind having any say in it. 

Ellie closed her eyes and sighed. Already she felt some calm coming over her by just accepting her need to touch herself. Joel was fast asleep, as long as she kept her voice down, she would be okay. This time, unbuttoning her shirt just wasn’t enough. She opened it wide, so she could really see her breasts. They had definitely grown and were now able to more than fill her hands, which made the girl really proud. Her right hand grabbed her left nipple and tucked lightly. She moaned as silently as she could and repeated the movement.

Her left hand in the meantime had found its way under the waistband of her underwear and was now gliding through the scarce pubic hair down towards her wet folds. She let her middle finger slide in between her labia and down her hot slit. When she slightly flexed her finger, it came up again and pushed lightly against a little nod, which at this sent a jolt through her like an electrical charge. 

‘Wow’ was all she could think before bringing her middle finger down on her clit once more. She began a sing song of sliding her finger down in between her folds and up again, circling her special nub before sliding her finger down again. 

Soon she was panting and having difficulty suppressing a moan. It felt wonderful, touching herself like this and she wondered why in hell she had ever felt ashamed.   
In this particular moment, Joel decided to grunt in his sleep, jerking her from the trance she was in. She stopped her actions in shock. Joel stirred slightly and Ellie didn’t dare move. Of course, if he awoke now, he would find her with one hand on her cunt and another on her breast, which would not be ideal at all. Luckily, he just turned to his side, now facing her. She could feel his hot breath on her left cheek. The snoring was gone, but it still seemed like Joel was asleep. 

No rational thought would ever justify the actions her left hand took then and there: While rolling onto his side, Joel’s left hand had slipped in front of him and close enough for his fingertips to connect with the skin of Ellie’s ribcage. Her left hand had suddenly a very important mission – getting his hand off of her ribcage and onto her sex. Just like in her imagination. Ellie couldn’t even keep up with the movement but could only close her eyes in pleasure when Joel’s hand weighed heavily onto her crotch. 

The excitement and anticipation was now unbearable and all she could think about was getting rid of that annoying fabric separating her wet skin from his rough touch. She slid her panties down hastily and opened her legs. Then, taking Joel’s hand into hers, she slid one finger down her sex like she had done before with her own. 

The sensation was overwhelming and she actually had to stop a second to catch her breath and accommodate to this new feeling. His finger was rougher than she had thought, but coupled with her wetness and soft skin it gave her just the right amount of friction to make everything inside her tickle and contract at the same time. She slid his finger up and down again. When his finger touched her clit, she arched her back. 

‘Oh, yes…’

She soon laid his hand down onto her sex, his palm pressing against her nub, while just trying to move his huge finger between her lower lips. On one downward stroke, she halted. There was a new feeling. She – or better Joel – had touched her entrance. Before, she hadn’t dared go there. It was where she was bleeding from once a month, and that made it a weird spot. But now the accidental touch had made her curious. She tentatively pressed his fingertip against her entrance and felt her hips move against the hands on their own accord. She tried to relax as she tried to push one of Joel’s fingers inside her. It was weird, not knowing, what was going on inside her so she settled on using her on finger for now.

She slid one finger inside her and felt warm and hot walls embracing it, clenching a little, vibrating even. There war also a slight pain, but not enough to make her want to stop. She tried reaching further, to see what else was there, but had to give up soon. Her fingers just weren’t long enough. 

She took Joel’s hand into hers again and began pressing his fingertip into her wet center once again. Another sharp pain prevented her from sliding it in in one smooth movement. She could feel her entrance clasping onto his finger as though trying to suck it in further. She retrieved it before pushing against the little ‘obstacle’ again. Again and again she slid Joel’s finger past her entrance, enjoying the warm feeling of having something fill her insides. 

The tension in her lower body started rising rapidly now. Her right hand went back to her nipple as her left tried to keep up a steady rhythm pushing Joel’s finger in and out. Her hips moved against his hand, causing his finger to dive into her further while rubbing her pelvis against his palm. She sighed and bit back a moan. This was killing her, but it was the sweetest of all possible deaths. 

It felt like she was on a run and could see the finish line up ahead. Her right hand joined her left in-between her thighs, sliding beneath Joel’s palm and started rubbing rapidly against her clit. Electric currents ran up and down her spine, making her arch her back und buckle her hips. 

And then she came. It was like fireworks and a jump in a glistening creek and sunshine on her skin when everything in her convulsed and all her muscles flexed.  
Exhausted, she put Joel’s hand back to his body and stood up, taking her clothes with her. She couldn’t possibly sleep next to him now. How lucky was she that he didn’t wake? She went back to her own bed and soon fell into a dreamless sleep.

 

***


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for all your positive feedback. It is truly more than I had ever dreamed of =) Enjoy!

***

 

Ellie wasn’t entirely sure, if she felt more sad or relieved about Joel leaving with the hunting party a few days later. Things had pretty much gone from awkward to goddamn-fucking-super-duper-awkward after the stunt she had pulled the ‘night I got possessed by the devil’ as she liked to think of it. Truth was, as wonderful as she had felt during her little ‘experiment’ as guilty she felt now. 

Reconsidering what had happened, she decided that she had practically molested Joel’s sleeping body, or forced his hand to molest hers. She was just plain confused, angry with herself and couldn’t look the man in the eye at the moment. ‘So, I guess relief wins…’

But she also really hated being alone. She always feared the loneliness wouldn’t be temporary, but permanent and she dreaded ending up on her own – immune, fighting as the last survivor against a world full of infected that once had been her friends. Ellie had only ever told Sam about her anxieties and wondered, why she hadn’t trusted Joel with this information yet. The man would have most certainly done anything to diminish her fears and not add to them by going on a three-day-long trip, leaving her behind. 

Maria however refused to let her go with them, because the leader deemed her too young to go hunting. Ellie had tried arguing, she even offered to show how good a shot she was – although her satisfying performances on wall patrol should be indicator enough of her abilities. There was no persuading the woman however and so, she had no real choice than to stay behind, watching Joel mount his horse and ride off through the gates. At least he had turned around to send her a slight nod and intense look. That was their secret code meaning ‘I’ll come back safe and sound’. He knew, she would kill him if that would turn out to not be the case.

 

*** 

 

The warm air graced his cheeks while he was riding Rosie, the maroon mare. He felt light, free even and it seemed like the first time in too long that he could actually breathe. The other three guys of the hunting party were a little ahead and he was deliberately hanging back in order to avoid any kind of conversation. 

He generally liked these hunting expeditions: the prospect of nature, vast fields and green forests surrounding him. The only problem was, Joel found, that some of the guys preferred seeing these outings as some kind of ‘bonding among men’ experience and would start to ‘share’ their problems as soon as they had left Jackson. 

Nick, the handsome twenty-something, who seemed omnipresent in Jackson since his arrival a few months back, was loudly complaining about the impossible prospect of finding “the right girl” in these godforsaken times. Joel had seen Nick helping at the different construction sites, taking watch on one of the lookouts (sometimes alongside Ellie) and even participating in the organization of town events. It seemed, as if the young man was already trying to meet everyone (or every woman as it now seemed) in Jackson within as short a time as possible. 

“It really sucks, you know?”, Nick said to Gibbs, a man who, similar to Joel, was one of the older men in the town. He just grunted.

“I mean, come on, I had a girl back in Chicago who was fine, and I mean really fine. And then she got bitten and over night had turned into an ugly monster. What is life worth without a little company, he?”, Nick continued his monologue. Gibbs was kind enough not to look away. The man had had his fair share of misery, Joel knew. Wife lost, sisters lost, nieces lost. It seemed that Gibbs, who had been surrounded by women his entire life had, much like Joel, lost everything after the breakout 20 years ago and had never really recovered. This certainly was not the easiest topic to talk to him about. Joel felt uncomfortable listening from a distance. Nick didn’t really know yet, what everyone had been going through and how well (or unwell) they had digested it so far.

“Give us a break from your gibber gabber, Nick, and keep a lookout! We don’t want to scare away any prey.” Tommy said loud enough for the young man behind him to hear. Tommy was leading their hunting party as usual. 

Truth be told, Joel didn’t want to think about girls/women/female humans too much at the moment, because every time these kinds of topics came up, he would end up thinking about Ellie.

The last week had been awkward as shit with all the weird vibes going around in their home. He hated thinking about the morning, Ellie had moaned, and the time he had jerked off thinking about it. He tried brushing off those thoughts. Right now, it was more important to find their way to a nice clearing to make camp later and then go around building snares for smaller animals. Then he would try to find some deer, he decided.

In the next few hours, they progressed (silently) deeper into the thick wood until they had found a nice spot. Tommy suggested to make camp as it was already growing darker. While Nick and Gibbs mounted the tents, Tommy and Joel set off to install the traps.

“Is everything alright, brother?” Tommy asked, when they were out of earshot from the other two.

“Yeah… fine.” Joel grunted. Tommy wasn’t convinced and shook his head.

“Something is going on. I mean there is Ellie, storming in and out of our house nearly every day at really inconvenient times” – he paused – “and then there is you, freakishly enough even more distant and brooding than normally."

Joel looked up slightly confused. He had seen Ellie go over once, he hadn’t been aware of her going over more often than that. As she was normally such an independent girl, that seemed an odd behavior for the teen. What would she need advice about?

“What did she want?” he asked, trying to sound only mildly interested while mulling over different scenarios in his head, where Ellie would surprise Maria and his brother at ‘inconvenient times’.

Tommy looked away briefly. It had been weird to eavesdrop on Ellie and his wife, while they had had an intimate conversation, but he hadn’t really meant to either. He had just been not nearly far away some of the times to NOT hear, what they were discussing.

“It seems, Ellie is starting to get interested in guys.” He decided to not repeat the sexually charged fragments of conversation between his wife and the girl.

Joel looked up. His jaw muscles tensed a little and he felt like Tommy could tell this information was bothering him. 

“What guys?” Joel asked and hated himself for it.

“Not sure, someone ‘sweating on the construction site’, I think she said.” Tommy turned away and started to dig a hole in the ground. Joel turned away, too to do the same. After a while, Tommy stopped to look at his brother quizzically.

“I mean, it’s clear why she is acting all weird, but why are you?” 

“Not sure.” Joel simply said, using Tommy’s words. Then he got up and went further into the woods, ending the conversation. 

 

***

 

Later that night, Joel was lying awake, desperately trying to go to sleep. Instead a spiral of Ellie-related thoughts kept creeping up on him. Ellie thinking about sweaty guys; Ellie sleeping next to him, Ellie touching herself; Ellie moaning; Ellie smelling good; Ellie becoming a woman; Ellie being a girl; Ellie not being Sarah; Ellie being young; Ellie getting older; Ellie clutching to him in her sleep, shivering and silently crying; Ellie screaming angrily at him; Ellie looking at him embarrassed and turning red; Ellie touching herself…

His hands moved to cover his face. He wanted to hide, hit himself and hide again. Why was he thinking about Ellie touching herself again and again? Shouldn’t he feel like a father to her after all they had been through? But yet and again, he had stopped himself going down this line of thought because of Sarah. No one could replace her. His sweet baby girl. 

It had felt right, calling Ellie that when she was unconscious, not hearing him use these two loving words that had before belonged only to Sarah. And they still should, he silently decided. 

Ellie was becoming a woman; he had to accept that. If she had started thinking about guys, it wouldn’t be long before she would want to experience intimacy with one of them, Joel was sure. Guys from the construction site… he tried to imagine the men working at the different sites. One by one, their faced flashed across his inner eye. A lot of them were in their thirties and not particularly good looking. Many had scars consistent with fighting clickers and runners for years and years. A few had really bad teeth due to vitamin deficiency and a lack of oral hygiene. Tommy was obviously decent looking, but forty already. He was also his brother and married. The only young guy that would come to mind was Nick. Handsome, young Nick. Joel grunted. He didn’t like the idea of Ellie thinking about the young man; maybe even fantasizing about him. It bothered him – and the fact that it bothered him, bothered him even more.

Ellie was a free person and could think about whomever she wanted; could she not? Who was Joel to feel anything regarding Ellie’s preference in men, anyway?

Angrily shaking his head, he tried, yet again, to go to sleep. Tomorrow, he would stop this nonsense and concentrate on more important things.

 

***

 

At the very same time, Ellie lay awake as well. She had chosen to sleep in Joel’s bed until his return. The sheets still smelled a little like him, and she snuggled up into his blanket. Flashbacks of the night she had ‘molested’ him rose inside her mind. She still felt ashamed for having used his hand in such a way, yet couldn’t help a hopeful sigh leaving her lips. How she would like to feel his rough hand on her body again. It seemed that the last week had really awakened something inside her. Sexual related thoughts were now seemingly constantly on her mind. She had tried to talk to Maria about it more. It seemed to her, that the woman knew so much and was willing to share her knowledge. The only problem was, that Ellie felt embarrassed to really dig into detail about what she had experienced and wanted so desperately to experience.

She pictured Joel, lying next to her again, sleeping while she took his hand again to place it on her sex. Ellie imagined him waking up this time and after an initial shock, he would continue pleasuring her, maybe even kissing her passionately as she had seen Maria and Tommy doing it. 

Ellie sighed and touched her labia through her underwear. It angered her a little, that it was herself touching her sex and not Joel and tried to let herself get lost in her imagination once more. When she started sliding her index finger inside herself, she disappointedly opened her eyes. It just didn’t feel the same. Joel’s finger had been warm and rough and thick and her own was so thin and slick, it didn’t cause nearly enough friction. She tried inserting a second finger, and felt a pinch near her entrance. After a while the slight pain subsided a little, but the didn’t want to reach farther inside of her. Her lower abdomen clenched on the inside and she desperately wanted to reach the point were she thought, a little nod lay so she could massage the tension away.

Exasperated, she gave up and lay on her back, all limbs spread out. 

“That is so fucking frustrating”, she yelled out, glad that no one but her was home. She felt a definite yearning for Joel, his body, his hands and his touch and wondered, when this complete change in her feelings towards her companion had taken place and if it was okay for her to feel that way. 

 

***

 

Joel got home three days later. Ellie had started to worry, when the hunting party hadn’t come back in the morning, but by midday, they had arrived. The prey they had hunted would last them at least two weeks and everyone was happy and relieved they had returned in one piece.

Joel took Rosie and the other horses back to the stables while everyone else helped distribute the meat between the town folk and the butcher crew. The man patted his mare on the neck and continued stroking it absentmindedly. He had decided to resolutely keep out of Ellie’s business and let her go make ‘experiences’. After all, he had done so when he was a teenager and would have hated his parents being too nosy about it. He wondered if he should talk to her anyway in order to clear the air and make the awkwardness disappear. 

When he turned, she was standing ten feet behind him, watching him curiously.

“Hey” she said. It seemed like such a simple word, such a simple greeting and still it felt like there was a weight to it Joel could sense without entirely understand it. He nodded and looked back to Rosie, continuing to strike her neck. He knew, he should say something, but didn’t feel like starting a bullshit small talk right then and there. He was yearning to speak his mind, let all these thoughts just roll out of him and be done with it, but that just wasn’t right. 

Ellie approached and lightly touched his shoulder, which made him jump. She withdrew her fingers and scratched her left eyebrow instead, looking down at the ground, a sad smile on her face. Was that how it was going to be from now on? Did he know, what she had done and decided that once and for all she had crossed a line? Was that to be fate’s punishment for taking what she had wanted without asking for permission first?

“Did you have a nice outing?” she tried to change the subject, turning away from him to look at the other horses. 

Joel could see that his surprised jump had hurt her in some way and wanted to rectify his mistake so now he touched her shoulder and turned her back around. He didn’t want this distance between them! They had survived and suffered - together. They could get through this weird rough patch that they hadn’t even officially acknowledged, too.

“Ellie, sorry, I was just lost in thought… Hey.” A faint smile crossed his face and then he pulled her into a warm and strong hug. “It’s real good to be back.” 

Ellie exhaled. She hadn’t even realized that she had been holding her breath. She felt some of the tension leaving her and closed her eyes enjoying Joel’s arms enveloping her fully. 

“Glad to have you back, too.” 

They marched back to their home in silence, both lost in their individual train of thoughts, wanting to get some privacy from the excited town folk. They heard distant yelling and an announcement of a feast for this evening, but didn’t bother commenting on it.

When the front door shut behind them, Ellie fell onto the couch. She briefly looked at Joel and then up at the ceiling in silence. The man scratched his beard, contemplating how to proceed. For a while, he just watched Ellie watching the wooden ceiling. Then his gaze wandered up and down her body. She had definite female features now. Her breasts were showing underneath her shirt and her hips were a little rounder than when he had met her almost one and a half years ago. 

He sighed and stared at the floor. Tommy was right. He just had to accept that Ellie was becoming a woman. And if that meant that she was going to be falling for Nick, than he would just have to live with it. The girl had gone through enough and deserved a little fun and joy. 

“Tommy told me about your conversations with Maria”, Joel broke the silence. Suddenly, Ellie was sitting upright on the sofa, looking at him almost terrified. 

“Wh-wh-wh-what?” Argh! Not this fucking stuttering again, she moaned inside her head.

“Yeah, he said that you were all worked up about something and went to talk to Maria about it. He was worried about us.” Joel had this intense stare that Ellie found almost unbearable. 

“A-about us?” Oh my god! Had Maria guessed whom Ellie was crushing on? She had been so careful not to mention his name. Damn Maria! And then she had broken her confidence and plainly told Tommy? What a bitch! 

Ellie shook her head. It wasn’t like her to think that way about the woman. She generally liked her. But that was just embarrassing! Fuck, fuck, FUCK!

“It seems, you weren’t the only one acting all weird.” She looked up at him. Did he mean what she thought he meant?

“I mean, it is difficult for me to let go, I guess. But you are getting older, you are… developing and of course, Nick is a handsome fellow” – now Joel was just rambling while mumbling which made it very difficult for Ellie to follow – “and he IS looking for a girl, and, I guess, why not? Who am I to stand in your way, right?” He had turned away, seemingly speaking to himself now. 

What the hell was he saying? Nick? Letting go of her? For Nick? What the fuck?

He continued mumbling into his beard, but she couldn’t – wouldn’t – hear any more of his nonsense.

“I am not interested in Nick”, she almost yelled, blushing. Now could be the moment to reveal the feelings she had for him, Joel, but he was turned away and that was not at all how she had imagined this to happen. It was all just too much! “I don’t even know what you are talking about!” She desperately wanted to flee so she turned on the spot and climbed the stairs to barricade herself in her room. 

Joel just stood there, not really sure what had happened, what he had just thought and what he had actually said out loud. That had definitely not gone as planned. 

He followed her, not wanting to leave the situation unresolved. A slight knock on her bedroom door didn’t get any response. Even the second and third knock weren’t graced with Ellie’s attention. Joel leaned on the wall next to her door and just started talking, hoping that she was listening anyway.

“I…” he struggled for the right words “I just want to tell you, it’s okay what you are experiencing. You should enjoy youth and what it has to offer.” He felt drained. That was all he managed to say in a composed fashion for now, so he left, going into his own room, falling onto the bed.

 

***


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So Yeah... It has finally come down to the two of them, being in the same bed, awake ;) and struggling with what's supposedly wrong but feels so right!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "When life gives you lemonade, [write] lemons" 
> 
> I love you guys! All of your kudos and comments just constantly make my day!

***

He had said it himself. She should enjoy herself! His enunciation of the word rang in her ears. She was just following his advice, wasn’t she? That was practically giving her permission for what she was about to do, she decided. After all: actions spoke louder than words, wasn’t that the famous saying?

Silently, Ellie entered his room. The man was lying on his bed, fully dressed but sleeping soundly. She approached the bed, looking down at him, taking in his long, strong legs, wide torso and brown-grayish beard over his peaceful face. As silently as possible, she took off her pants and shirt so she was just dressed in her underwear, and then lay down next to him. He shifted slightly in response. 

Her right hand moved to touch his cheek and she leaned in closer. Hesitantly, she brought her mouth down to his, gently moving her lips against his in a way she had seen Maria and Tommy do it. She was surprised, when his lips mimicked hers of their own accord, while the man still seemed asleep. Closing her eyes, she felt a weird, albeit warm feeling stir inside her tummy. After a while she moved, so her torso was hovering over his. That was much better. She felt, she could apply a bit more pressure than had been possible in the awkward side-by-side kissing position before. 

Her right hand left his face to support herself on the mattress while her left index gently traced his jawline under his beard. Joel stirred and a slight gasp left his lips when Ellie ended their kissing to catch her breath.

“I love you” she whispered in his left ear. 

And suddenly, there were his strong arms grabbing her shoulders, moving her away from him. 

“Ellie, what are you doing?” Joel asked, confused, alerted even.

“Enjoying youth” she stated and leaned back in. He turned his head just in time to avoid another kiss. This made her reach up with both hands to grab his head, which made him take hold of her wrists. They struggled for a few seconds before she gave up and sat silently opposite him, hugging her knees.

“That – that was not what I meant”, he said. How could she have mistaken his words? Obviously, he was enjoying her attention – the tightness in his pants was as clear an indicator as any – but that hardly seemed right. He had been over this again and again, arguing in an inner dialog with his desire and reason. 

“I am not interested in Nick or anyone else. I like you.” She tried to hold eye contact to convey some of the wanting that she felt, maybe even transfer it into her beloved companion. He looked back with an astonished expression on his face.

Could that be? The young girl, falling for the older guy who had been more than reluctant to take her on in the first place? It seemed unreal. But only part of Joel was following this ‘rational’ line of thought. His insides – his groin mainly – had triggered another idea: could Ellie really like him like that? Want him like that? And wouldn’t that make it right for him to fantasize about her slight moaning, her touching herself, him touching her…? The thing he had hated himself for thinking about these past days? 

“It just ain’t right” he whispered almost inaudibly. Ellie saw his eyes rest on the covers, avoiding her gaze. He suddenly seemed so small, so vulnerable. Nothing the girl had witnessed before had ever been like that. She thought for a moment he might break.

Her hands slowly, carefully reached for his face again and he let it happen. She tried to tilt his head back up to make him look at her. When his eyes met hers, they were dark and sad.

“I don’t care” she whispered back and kissed him softly for the third time. 

Amazed at her, Joel let it happen. It felt strange, but he had to admit that Ellie was the strong one of the both of them. She had decided she wanted him and taken him for herself. It was so much more than Joel could ever say about himself. He was so weak in comparison. 

Their kissing turned more passionate and he felt Ellie’s small hands pushing him back onto the mattress. Tentatively, he brought his arms around her small frame, enveloping her into an intimate embrace. She sighed happily in between kisses and a shiver traveled down his spine in response. When she moved one leg between his, he drew a quick breath, facing away from her. That was way too intense, way too fast! He wasn’t sure, the girl even knew, what she was doing to him, but her leg in-between his was definitely a little too much to handle for him. 

“Uh… Ellie…” he tried to squeeze in between kisses. She seemed famished in a way, as if kissing was a necessary meal and wouldn’t let his mouth go. The pressure in his pants began to hurt and he shoved her off of him as gently as possible. 

“What?” she asked exasperated, trying to at least hold on to his face.

“Er… you were… your legs were…” How could he put it without sounding like an old pervert? But he didn’t need to specify. Ellie’s eyes had already flown to his crotch and a blush on her cheeks made him guess, she had understood. 

What happened next, was even more difficult for him to digest. Her little fingers went to his belt and started unbuckling it, moving fast before he could even truly register, that she was about to take his pants off.

“Stop, Ellie, no!” he almost pleaded.

“I just want you to be more comfortable… like me!” It was only then, that he realized that Ellie was naked except for her underwear. He looked away. It seemed so wrong to see her like that with a definite hard-on in his pants. Ellie didn’t leave him any time to think about how indecent the situation might seem and was already continuing to unzip his jeans. 

“Come on! Get ‘em off!” she said light-heartedly, encouraging him to proceed without her help. 

“Ellie, this is really going too far now, we should stop” he tried one last time, to reason with a part of her that didn’t exist. Ellie wanted to experiment – with him and he would not get her to stop without force. 

He grabbed her wrists and pulled them away from his pants. 

“Let’s just… calm down for a second. Okay?” He wasn’t really asking. Closing his eyes, he tried to calm his breath. When he opened them again, Ellie was looking expectantly at him.

“This is a little much to digest right now, Ellie” The absurdity of the situation hit him hard. Him half sitting, half lying in his bed, the zipper of his pants down revealing a definite bulge in his briefs – and half on top of him, half beside him the young Ellie with her pale and smooth skin (except for a few scars and the cordycep’s mark on her lower arm). She was studying his face now, licking her lips absentmindedly.

He looked away and gulped. Damn! Why did she have to do that? Joel closed his eyes again, shaking his head as if this would make the indecent thoughts circling his brain go away. Damn it! 

Somehow, Ellie didn’t really mind her wrists being enclosed in his hands. She shifted slightly, moving one leg from in between his legs to the side and was suddenly sitting down on top of his crotch.

“ELLIE!” Joel exclaimed in shock, letting go of her hands to grab her hips, trying to move the girl off of him. However, she just encircled his hips with her legs when he moved, so he fell down on top of her. 

“Ellie, stop this, now!” he growled, but she had already used the newfound freedom of her hands to grab his head and pull it down towards hers. They kissed for the fourth time. Joel tried to fight it – fighting the girl alone would have probably been doable, but fighting his urges, the welcoming warmth of her inner thighs around his hips and the fluttering sensation that was spreading from his stomach like little electric charges to the tips of his toes was something else entirely. And way too hard. So he gave in. There really was no other choice, was there?

Ellie tried to do her best not to let him get away. It felt so good to kiss him, to have his weight on her, the hot and hard bulge pressing onto her sex. She felt so whole. Her inexperienced mouth tried to press against his lips, trying to mimic their movements. She felt his tongue flick against her lower lip and opened her mouth to lick his lip in return. His beard was tickling and scratching her lower face, but she decided she liked the mixed sensation. 

Joel’s hands had started to move, leaving her hips. His right hand went to her neck, caressing her skin and tugging softly at her hair. The other hand was moving in the opposite direction to her thigh, slowing striking up and down.

When they broke free for air, she put her right index quickly over his lips in order to stop him from saying anything.

“I want this, Joel.” She sounded so determined, so strong. Joel kissed her finger and closed his eyes, while her other hand touched his face so very gently. How long had it been, since he had felt this kind of a human connection, this kind of intimacy. He felt his heart was about to break. 

“Okay”, he heard himself saying without knowing what had made him do that. 

Ellie exhaled audibly, relieved, excited and maybe just a little nervous. She quickly kissed him again. Her hands moved to his shirt and she started to unbutton it slowly. He was now using his arms to hold his weight and allow her access instead of caressing her, which made Ellie a little angry. She hurried up and when he sat up to pull off his shirt completely, she sat up too and started touching his bare chest. It was glorious, she thought. Short black hair sprang from the middle of his pecs to the sides, other than that, his chest was mostly smooth and tan. She remembered the image of the hot summer’s day with pearls of sweat slowly painting wet trails on his skin. She leaned forward and kissed him just below his right clavicle. Joel inhaled sharply. Taking this as encouragement, she kissed her way down to the right nipple and tentatively flicked her tongue across it. Another sharp inhale. 

‘Fascinating’, she thought. Her right hand came up to touch the left nipple and Joel couldn’t stop himself from sighing audibly. His hands found their way to her head and back. His rough fingers were drawing circles on her shoulders while the other hand was now entangled in her hair. When she paused a second to look up, Joel had his eyes tightly shut and was biting his lower lip. Ellie smiled and went back to work. 

Her mouth moved from one side to the other, all the while continuing a mix of kisses and licks across his torso. His nipples seemed extremely sensitive and were hard like fresh flower buds. She tentatively bit down on his left nipple and he gripped her shoulders hard while a deep groan escaped his mouth. She quickly flicked her wet tongue across it as compensation. It was fun to discover his body like this. She pushed against his chest, implying he should lie down and he complied swiftly. This new position allowed her better access to his abdomen and her mouth quickly continued its journey to lower levels. His body was covered in little scars he had acquired while trying to survive these past 21 years. She planted a soft kiss on the oval shaped scar on his left abdomen that had almost cost him his life. 

Joel’s hands left her body and he was now pressing both his palms into the sockets of his eyes. What in god’s name was he doing? How could he be allowing Ellie to touch, to kiss him like that? He was such a fucking pervert! He shouldn’t be enjoying this! But it felt so damn good. And the girl had said, that this was something she wanted to do. Who was he to deny her this chance to experiment? But this was Ellie! Sweet, foul-mouthed, innocent Ellie. 

Ellie, sensing his inner battle firing up again, stopped. Her hands found his, pulling them away from his eyes. Planting a soft kiss on his lips she locked eyes with him and smiled softly. 

“It’s okay, Joel.” She whispered and kissed him again. “Relax, please.” Pleading voice. Another kiss. “I want this.” Another kiss. “Really.” Her earnest voice and soft kisses helped him relax a little. He couldn’t say a word. He knew if he opened his mouth, he would try to stop her again. And the girl seemed determined to not let that happen. Her green eyes were fixed upon his brown ones. It seemed to Joel as if she could see right into his soul. Her right hand cupped his face and he relaxed a little more into her soft touch. Ellie’s left hand trailed slowly across his chest, drawing little patterns, crossing his nipples and his navel and then it travelled further down.

When her fingers found their destination, he couldn’t help but close his eyes and moan. Her small hand was cupping his crotch and squeezing slightly. Damn it! Joel suddenly pulled the girl down and kissed her feverishly. He had waited on the edge of reason and was now falling down the rabbit hole. There was no going back.

His hands started to roam her small frame wildly. They found their way to her breasts and squeezed them through the fabric of her bra. Now she had to moan a little. As if suddenly possessed, he took control. Rolling them over, so Ellie was once again lying on her back. His lips crashed against her neck, while his hands were trying to loosen the annoying bit of underwear concealing her small breasts. Ellie didn’t even feel the bra coming off when Joel’s mouth enclosed around one of her nipples.

“Oh my god!” she exclaimed loudly. Her hands found their way to his hair and she loved the feeling of combing it roughly with her small fingers. Joel’s right hand found her left nipple and he pinched it slightly, which made every coherent thought in Ellie’s head evaporate. 

His hands moved quickly over her tummy, back to her breasts, to her neck, then to her legs. She couldn’t even follow their motion; it simply felt as if the man possessed not two but ten or more hands. And every contact between his rough fingers and her soft skin sent little jolts of happiness through her entire body. His tongue was circling her nipple, then her navel and her other nipple and she felt a shiver running down her spine. 

She pulled him up to meet her lips once more. “I want you”, she had hardly finished whispering when Joel’s hands found her slip and pulled it down, finally freeing her. Although it wasn’t exactly cold, the collision of fresh air with her wet and hot folds made her gasp. 

Joel looked down Ellie’s body. Her skin was now freckled with little spots of red, her torso was heaving in tune with her heavy breaths; and her legs were parted welcomingly. He could see the glittering folds, the swollen mound of her sex. He hesitated. 

“Please”, she pleaded. He leaned down and kissed her softly as his right hand connected with her sex. She moaned loudly into the kiss. His middle finger slowly touched her vulva and stroke softly upward to find the little nob that made her tremble from head to toe. Joel circled her clitoris and slid down once more to find her wet opening. He tentatively slid his finger into her warm, soft entrance. Ellie moaned even louder. His thumb started circling her nob while his finger tried pushing a little further. A brief, sharp pain ran through Ellie and she gasped, tensing visibly. Joel stopped. 

Joel cupped her face and kissed her. “Sh… it’s okay” he tried to soothe her. “Try to relax, it’s only gonna hurt for a little while.” She looked at him and nodded. His finger pushed forward again, breaking the little barrier for good, moving even further. Her breathing deepened. Joel reactivated his thumb, circling her clit to distract her. His mouth found her nipple and he sucked hard. Ellie gasped again – this time in definite pleasure. He quickly added a second finger to enter her. Her walls were so warm, so soft and slippery and her enchanting smell started to fill his nose. He wanted to taste her.

He moved upwards to kiss her again, then whispered softly in her ear “don’t freak out”. She was left bewildered and watched while he slid down the bed and settled his head between her thighs. If her cheeks were a little pink before, they were approaching tomato red in seconds now. But she had no time to feel embarrassed and forgot everything around her, when his tongue found her nob and her hips suddenly jerked upwards. 

“Oh… FUCK!” she nearly screamed and quickly clasped her hands over her mouth. She desperately groaned into her palms, her eyes now shut tightly while she was trying to make sense of this new and overwhelming sensation. 

Joel had missed this. Tasting a women’s sex, licking the wet folds, drawing little patterns across the clit. Tess had rarely ever wanted him to go down on her, since she would never give him head either. But the few times, that he had convinced her, he wanted to do it, had been quite special. 

His nose nuzzled through the small patch of pubic hair on Ellie’s mound. God, she smelled so good. And her taste… he couldn’t even describe it. His tongue flicked through her labia and found her entrance. A slight coppery taste told him, he had indeed ripped her hymen. He pushed his tongue slightly inside and Ellie moaned softly. Joel couldn’t help but smile. This time it was he who was making these sweet noises leave the girl’s mouth. 

Ellie felt so confused. On the one hand, his tongue was really soft and wet, brushing against her sex, pushing inside her. And on the other Joel’s beard was tickling her, even slightly uncomfortably scratching her folds and her inner thighs. It was just too much. Her lower abdomen was spasming. A part of her wanted to squeeze her legs together so Joel could not continue, and another part of her made her hips rock towards his mouth quite involuntarily. Her hands grabbed his hair and she tried pulling him away from her sex weakly.

“S… stop… stop, Joel” she managed to stammer. 

Concerned, he halted and looked up. Had he gone too far? 

“What is it?” he whispered, not moving. 

“Dunno… It feels good, and weird and… like I am about to burst!” she didn’t dare look him in the eye. 

“That’s part of it… just… let go” and without awaiting her response he continued licking her clit and inserted two fingers in her wet hole. He started moving them in and out in a steady rhythm. He could feel her cervix and pushed against it slightly. Ellie gasped again. Then he pressed against the front walls of her vagina and slowly pulled out. When he reached a particular point, Ellie couldn’t help it and cried out. Her walls started contracting against his fingers and her entire body shuttered with her orgasmic waves. Joel planted a last wet kiss onto her sex and pulled his fingers out completely. 

He slid up, lying next to her and pulled her into a firm hug. Shuttering still, Ellie grabbed his shoulders and nestled into his neck, breathing quickly and deeply. 

“Wow…” was all she was able to say.

 

***


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you Thank you Thank you!  
> I love your comments - whether funny, dark, positive or constructive! And your Kudos!!!! =)  
> (I am sorry, I can't stick with the American accent sometimes...)

***

The first thing Ellie noticed in the morning wasn't the fact that it was quite late already, nor that the sun had disappeared and made way to a grey, cloudy sky about to release the first droplets of water in weeks. No. The very first thing she noticed was she lying in Joel's bed - alone. She rolled on her side and felt the sheets on 'his' side of the bed. Cold. 'So, he must have been up for some time', she deduced. 

She felt that his presence (or rather lack thereof) would have been important in regard to their last night's activities. Ellie blushed remembering his skilled hands and mouth on her body. 

‘Oh my god, did that really happen?’ (‘Jupp, I guess it did…’) Damn! 

She didn’t really know what to think or feel. It had definitely felt amazing. Like dancing and running and eating delicious food. But all at the same time and SO much better than when she had touched herself. 

‘I love hormones’, she decided then and there. But what ever had possessed her to be this honest with Joel (‘I mean, it DID turn out pretty well’), to let him see her naked like that? She had even kissed him and touched his... 

‘Whatever’ – she tried focusing on the situation at hand – ‘Where in the fucking hell that is ‘Downtown Jackson’ is Joel anyway?’ 

Unsure of what to do next, she got up and checked if he wasn’t by any chance downstairs preparing breakfast (or lunch?). 

When she was absolutely certain that he wasn’t home, she started feeling nauseous. Striding up and down the corridor, she mulled different scenarios over in her head: Joel being woken by something, maybe even something important regarding town business and leaving in a hurry, not wanting to disturb her sleep. No, that wasn’t like him. He would ALWAYS say goodbye and make sure she knew where to find him. Indeed, he had promised (kind of) not to leave her, hadn’t he? Or maybe he had told her yesterday that he had an important meeting and she – absentmindedly as she had been these past few weeks – had not paid attention? Definitely possible. 

But something inside her knew, that she just wanted to calm herself, distract her from the most probable answer: That the events of the previous night had everything to do with his disappearance this very morning.

 

***

 

When Ellie had dozed off, Joel had happily smiled down at her for about 5 minutes (give or take), before the full weight of his actions had hit him hard. He had felt his insides clenching, as if a tourniquet was pressing his intestines into a painful bundle of... 

What exactly? Guilt? Anger? Self-loathing? All of the above?

He had not been able to lay with Ellie cuddled up to him any longer and had gently rolled the girl over on her back, slowly extracting his arm from underneath her neck. 

When he had gotten up, Ellie had stirred but hadn't woken. A sigh of relief had left him while he put on some clothes and had left their home in a hurry.

Now, as the day was finally beginning, he was still walking rather aimlessly around Jackson. Crossing the 'City Centre' for the umpteenth time, he pondered where to go next. What would he give for just being able to leave! Go outside into the forest and hide in a little rabbit hole (okay, maybe a huge one would be the better fit).

Things weren't supposed to be complicated like this here in Jackson. He had genuinely thought, that settling down here with his brother near in a comparably safe environment was the right way to go for the both of them after their adventurous and frankly dangerous year of moving around. And now he had gotten swept away by 'feelings' and done something stupid. 

Ellie was just a kid! Only a few years older than Sarah had been before... He stopped. 

‘Brain, don't even go there!’

Suddenly, he came to a halt. He was standing outside the newly constructed house he and the other guys had been working on the past months. He remembered what Tommy had told him about Ellie's conversations with Maria. She had thought about some well-built guy, sweating under the late summer's sun. And Joel thought it had been handsome Nick - but no. After what Ellie had said yesterday, it must have been him that she had been watching. A new line of thought crept into his mind. So, she hadn't just decided yesterday, that she wanted for him to touch her, pleasure her. She must have had these feelings before. Joel tried to think back. It had all started two to three weeks ago - she acting all weird and consequently him feeling weird. 

She had gone to Maria then. Did Maria know? Certainly the town leader had not approved - WOULD never approve - of Ellie acting out her new found sexual fantasies with Joel! 

He thought back to the hunting trip, where he had learned about Ellie's 'predicament' from Tommy. How strange to imagine how much had happened since his return yesterday. 

He thought back to the few days of ‘freedom’ outside the settlement. During the short trip, Gibbs had continued on being perfectly civil, listening to Nick going on and on about how exciting his live (and hopefully soon his love live) was. ‘Fuck damn chatty chap’, Joel had thought more than once, but had tried to ignore him as often as he could. Tommy had intervened once or twice to get Gibbs some time to relax his ears and to make the men focus on much more important things. Joel had snapped at the younger man a few times (it really wasn’t to be helped). But happy go lucky Nick just wasn't so easily perturbed. And once they had settled down next to the fire the second night, there was no real reason to keep him from telling his little stories (especially since none of the other three men seemed to provide any interesting topics).

Joel had to admit that though he felt most of Nick's tales were probably full of shit, the young man knew how to captivate his audience. Nick had told them, how he had grown up during the outbreak, how he had survived due to his father (who apparently had been a real badass, much like Joel in his years with the bandits). Joel had to give the boy some credit for managing to grow up with a bunch of chauvinistic assholes and still do the right thing and split from them when he was barely of age. Choosing the tough route of going ‘rogue’ from what he knew and who he knew had been a pretty ballsy decision in Joel’s opinion. He himself had painful memories of his multiple tries to get away from the fuckers. And when Joel had finally succeeded, he had already lost Tommy, the only person in the world that he had cared about after the Outbreak. He had looked over the fire to his brother and had caught his eye. At least, after all these years, they had managed to reunite once more.

Of course, Nick being Nick, the story had ended in a long and detailed recitation of how Nick had fallen in love for the first time, how an older woman had taught him about ‘biology’ and how nice it would be to finally be with a ‘killer babe’ he could live with ‘domestic style’. 

Gibbs had faked dozing off (Joel could tell when someone was pretending to sleep) and Joel had also longed for some quiet time. Although, there had been some entertaining elements about Nick’s storytelling, the last part about love, sex and relationships had caused a resurgence of (up until this point successfully) pushed-down yearning for intimacy, companionship and a sense of belonging. 

Admittedly, Ellie WAS his companion. There were clear indicators: how they took care for each other; the way they had each other’s back. They had managed to establish an almost blind trust. There had been so many close calls and they had managed to come out on the other side more or less unscathed. Ellie had saved his Texan ass more than once. Even the time Joel had been badly hurt, the young Redhead had somehow kept him alive through the beginnings of last winter. He couldn't remember much of this particular time and thought it a miracle, that neither one of them had gotten shot or even worse (at least for him) bit. No. It had been Ellie - Ellie alone that had kept them alive back then. Although Joel loved thinking of himself as her protector, it was just as much the truth the other way around.

The man shook his head. It was hard to admit there being a time when he had relied on her completely. But: He had been feverish, even soporific. Vulnerable. She could have made another choice: leave him to die and run for it. But somewhere between her running off when he wanted to drop her at Tommy’s and him falling down the second floor of the research building, she had decided he was worth holding on to. 

Joel couldn’t help but be amazed about how strong she was. Not only then. Even now, she was trying to contribute, to be productive, to help out with ‘wall patrol’ or wherever a helping hand was needed. Even yesterday night, Ellie had shown him, how much courage she really possessed. How brave of her, to confront him and divulge her feelings, her desires!

‘But it just ain’t right’, Joel thought again for what seemed like the billionth time. 

He was a grown man. In the world pre-Outbreak, he would have gone to jail for a long time for what he had done. Soliciting a minor (or whatever it was called by those fucking suits). There had been laws against actions like that. If any man had approached Sarah back then in any way, he would have gone to jail (if Joel hadn’t killed the man beforehand). But this was then. In these chaotic times, no one had really thought about implementing laws that weren’t directly related to moral guidelines of living together (more or less peacefully) in the quarantine zones. And there were few of these to begin with. 

But just because there weren’t any laws in place now, didn’t make it right. Yes, he was fond of the girl. Yes, he wanted to protect her. Yes, he wanted to tell her about his day. Yes, he was sad when they had to part for hunting trips etc. Yes, he saw her by his side in his future - foreseeable and distant. Yes, he wanted to come home to her. And yes, he had felt aroused by the image of her sexual side awakening. And yes, he had also liked kissing her, touching her, pleasuring her. 

He felt his heart skip a beat. 

It was quite simple, actually: He loved her. But he was a pervert for doing so.

 

*** 

 

Ellie had eventually stopped striding the hallway after about an hour and was now laying on her bed looking up at the ceiling. It had a small crack. 

What could she do? Going out to look for him seemed like an easy option, but she wasn’t sure meeting and confronting him in public would lead to the honest conversation she was planning on having. Going to Maria had also crossed her mind. But the way, Joel had needed convincing last night made Ellie suspect there was something more holding him back than maybe just his feelings. He had said “but it just ain’t right” and she had never actually paused to think about what he had meant by that. Her hormones had just taken over and she had seduced him without ever suspecting that she had it in her. 

At first, Ellie had thought that ‘it wasn’t right’, because Joel didn’t feel the same way about her, but he had enjoyed her kissing his chest and he had willingly taken over and gone on an expedition into what she liked all by himself. Ergo, he had to have the same exact feelings for her as Ellie had for him, right? Or at least some version of them? (He was a man after all and Ellie didn’t presume to know everything there was to know about men’s feelings and thought processes). 

But why was he gone, then? Had he run, like she had run from the dam last summer? Was he waiting for her to come find him? 

‘Argh! This is driving me mad! Fuck this, I am going to look for him!’ So she went down the stairs, through the living room and to the front door. Before she even reached the handle, the door opened and Joel walked in.

“Ellie!”, he exclaimed in surprise. 

They just stood there, looking at each other for a few seconds that felt like minutes impersonating hours. 

“Where the fuck” – Ellie suddenly shoved him – “were you?” The anger surprised not only him but Ellie, too. Apparently there had been some insecurities building up during her dwelling on the how and why and where Joel could be.

Joel swallowed and closed the door behind him. “Let’s sit down, shall we?”, he proposed. 

Ellie crossed her arms in front of her chest, turned and lead the way to their sofa. Their living room was pretty dark considering it was midday, but the clouds hadn’t broken their tight seal and when Ellie glanced through the window, she saw little droplets of rain starting to fall. 

Ellie sat down on the couch in a cross-legged position, her back against the armrest, her look incredulous while following Joel’s movements. He had stopped in the middle of the living room, pondering whether to draw up a chair or sit beside Ellie on the couch. Eventually, he opted for the chair. 

“Ellie… we have to talk about what happened last night.” He knew, the conversation was going to be difficult and beating around the bush was definitely not going to make it easier. Ellie snorted.

“Yes, we do. And about why you weren’t here this morning. How do you think I felt, when I woke up alone, without knowing where you had gone? You could have fucking woken me up and tell me or at least leave a damn note!” 

Joel gulped. He had not really had the capacity to think about what his disappearance might have caused. 

“Listen, I am sorry, I left. But… I needed to think about… everything.” He was struggling for words. Damn, why was she so all over the place? He had prepared to give this whole speech about how they were partners and that wasn’t going to change, but that she was not an adult yet and that it would be wrong for them to continue down the road they had glanced upon the night before. 

“Yeah? Well, I ALSO thought about plenty of stuff!” She glared at him. Somehow he knew, she was afraid he might leave her and that her aggressiveness was just an attempt at protecting herself from the hurt it would cause. 

Joel sighed. “Ellie…”, he grabbed both her knees, “listen…” 

“I AM listening, say what you fucking have to say already. Get it over with!” 

She looked away, hurt, her jaw visibly clenching. Seeing her hurting sent a sting through his heart then and there. He never wanted to see her unhappy. Joel stood up and sat down next to her on the couch, catching her off guard, when he put an arm around her shoulders and drew her to his chest. 

“It’s okay. I’m here now. I’m not going anywhere.” She exhaled audibly and adjusted her position to cuddle into Joel’s side more comfortably. He hated admitting it even in the privacy of his mind, but he enjoyed their physical closeness more than he probably should. He relaxed a little, too. 

“That said… I tried making sense of everything that happened these past few weeks and especially last night. Long version short: I can’t make sense of it. I liked it, you are important to me, I don’t want it to be weird between us anymore and last night was the first night in some time that I felt we were … comfortable with each other. But although, I don’t regret what happened, we shouldn’t repeat these… actions before you are officially an adult.” Ellie snorted and withdrew. 

“You want – what exactly? To wait another three years before kissing me again?” 

She seemed appalled by the mere suggestion. Shaking her head she continued, the volume of her voice decreasing bit by bit until it was an almost inaudible whisper: “touching me? Making me feel… amazing? Being close…?”

It stung him, her speaking out what he couldn’t. Yes, waiting another three years would make it legal, and to not be doing something illegal, was what he wanted. But he also really wanted to do those things with her. Never mind the consequences! 

His head started aching. It seemed impossible to make anyone of the two of them happy. Why had he even crossed that line? Everything had been mighty fine just a few weeks ago and now? Everything was a mess!

“Ellie, try to understand the situation I am in: an adult is not supposed to take advantage of a child – especially, you know, in actions involving” – he gulped (don’t beat around the bush you bastard!) – “sex.”

“Gee, thanks for degrading me to a fucking kid. As if I didn’t have a fucking mind of my own!”, she exclaimed (foul-mouthed with an extra layer of sarcasm on the top). 

“It just ain’t right, Ellie.”

“According to whose godforsaken rules?”

“According to the laws put in place by people concerned with the safety and well-being of children!”

She snorted again. “Yeah, like a hundred fucking years ago! These bullshit laws where put in place when I wasn’t even born yet and they certainly do not apply in these shitty post-apocalyptic times, Joel! Who would even bother enforcing them?”

“They’re not bullshit…” 

“Yes, they are!”, she interrupted.

She had really gotten angry these last few minutes and had stood up, all but menacingly towering over his sitting form. “Have you ever bothered to questioned these fucking rules? What about: following your gut? Or listening to your heart? Everyone always seems to say: ‘do what feels right’ or ‘go explore’, ‘be happy’. Damn it, Joel, this world is nothing like the one you grew up in! No! Living in the here and now, every breath you take could be your last. So don’t fucking tell me, we should wait another three years, because the truth is: who knows if we’ll even be alive? This thing between us is now, Joel. I fucking love you, god damn it!” 

Ellie had started crying tears of anger half way through and at her last exclamation had turned on her heels and run up to her room. The door slammed shut and there was silence except for the rain softly brushing against the windows.

 

***


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone had a very merry Christmas and not only spent time with your family and loved ones but also spent some time thinking of those in need. 
> 
> I am so grateful for all of you leaving kudos and comments and constantly making my day (I just realised you could comment on a comment and I intend to do so from now on :-) )
> 
> Enjoy!

***

At approximately eight, Ellie couldn’t ignore the growling of her stomach any longer. She had not eaten at all today and felt now, what getting used to regular meals really entailed: painful clenches in her abdomen when skipping meals… On the road, she had almost never had these kinds of problems. She was used to eating when the possibility presented itself and ignoring the imminent starvation in between these times. 

She slowly and silently descended the stairs. A few minutes back, she had heard clanking from downstairs. Also, there had been the faintest smell of freshly cooked food in the house for some time. Maybe Joel had prepared dinner? Although, Ellie wasn’t looking forward to starting a new argument, her hunger had overpowered her and she was now seemingly indifferent to the chance of that happening.

When she arrived at the bottom of the stairs, she stopped. The open kitchen adjoining the living room was partially steamed and she could see Joel moving around hastily. 

“You can set the table, if you want.” Joel and his hearing! He had not turned around and seemed concentrated on a task in front of him. Without saying a word, Ellie complied. 

When dinner was served a few minutes later, Ellie could hardly believe the feast in front of her! Joel had acquired some deer meat and prepared it in a casserole full of vegetables. According to him, he had let it simmer in the oven for some time and when Ellie took her first bite, it was like biting into soft butter, but much tastier. “Hmmm…” she signaled her approval. Joel smiled faintly and started eating himself.

It seemed, like both of them didn’t want to continue the fight from before and just ate in silence, interrupted only by small talk about the next day’s schedule for the both of them. Ellie had signed up for wall duty again and Joel had to get started on a new construction project: new stables for the horses. “Gotta get them finished before fall really hits and the wood is all moist”, he explained. The girl just nodded. 

After dinner, Ellie took over cleaning the table and doing the dishes. It was an unspoken rule, that whomever cooked, didn’t have to clean up after. So Joel settled on the couch and began to resume the book he had been ‘working’ on finishing for quite some time. Although it seemed like a good premise, the forensic anthropologist fighting crime in England had not held his attention as well as Joel had thought. Then again, maybe the confusion of the past weeks was the real culprit for keeping him from diving into the novel. 

When Ellie had finished, she walked over to the sofa and sat down next to Joel. This felt nice. Normal almost. She wasn’t sure of what to do, so she leaned against the back of the couch side-ways and just looked at the man reading. Although he felt her eyes on him, he tried to concentrate on the words in front of him. ‘The slow ticking of the clock filled the room with a sound like dust falling through sunlight. Each leisurely stroke seemed to hang for an age before being followed by the next.’

“Can you read to me, Joel?” He looked up. Her face was calm, a little sad maybe. 

“Sure.” She left her position to lie down on the couch, her head on the armrest while her feet found their way into Joel’s lap. 

 

***

 

“ELLIE!”

The girl looked around and found the man calling out to her – Nick. 

“So, I heard, we’re finally on duty together again. Nice!” He held up his hand and she high-fived it. Ellie smiled. She really liked the guy. He was much younger than a lot of other people in the town and one of the few willing to talk to her. Somehow, in the time since their arrival, very few of the townsfolk had made an effort to include Joel or Ellie into their community. She suspected, her stealing Callus and running away the first time she had ‘visited’ might have had something to do with that.

“Yeah! I’ll meet you there in a sec! Just have to give these provisions to Joel so he won’t starve.” She winked and headed of towards their home. 

The last few days had actually been nice, despite the not yet discussed issue of her having very strong feelings for the man and him having some sort of feelings for her (that were still suppressed due to the inexplicable moral dilemma that she just didn’t understand). Ellie had tried to calm down her sexual appetite and not spring it on him like on ‘the night everything changed’. She had phantasies, of course – how couldn’t she? With him walking around with his shirt off after his morning shower and her imagining his skilled fingers rubbing her little nob whenever he was cleaning his gun, cutting vegetables or doing WHATEVER with his hands, there was really no way around it. But she had tried to keep her distance and limit any form of physical contact to their evening reading sessions and ‘accidental’ brushings of hands/ arms/ backs/ legs (you name it). 

When she arrived home, Joel was standing in the kitchen. 

“Here, I got us some nice fruit” and she handed the basket to Joel. His fingers touched hers when the item exchanged hands and an electric charge went through her body. She swallowed. His eyes locked with hers. 

“Thank you, Ellie.” She could see his Adam’s apple moving. He, too, had swallowed. Ellie was severely glad, no one was watching because a little part of her felt stupid for not letting go. However, another part of her knew, that Joel didn’t want her lingering fingers to leave either. 

“I… I got to go to the wall.” She eventually said and broke their contact.

“I’ll wait up.”

When Ellie got to the wall, Nick was already in position. He motioned for her to join him while focusing on something in the distance. 

“Clickers”, he said. “They’re still pretty far away, but we should keep an eye on them.”

“It’s been a while since we had more than one of these beasts come near here. I wonder where they came from.” Sure, there were often a few lonely Runners around. Ellie guessed that most of them had once been Bandits and had been turned while trying to salvage some nearby villages. But a horde of Clickers made her feel uneasy. 

“Yeah. Must’ve turned a while ago, but on our last outing there weren’t any signs of spores or anything.” 

“Weird…”

After an hour of seemingly running in circles, the Clickers had disappeared into the forest farthest from Jackson. Nick and Ellie relaxed a little and started chatting about nonsense.

 

*** 

 

"Please, take another, help yourselves!" Maria said while putting the second plate of steamed potatoes on the table. They went well with the rabbit and green beans Tommy and her had served for dinner. Ellie and Joel already felt stuffed, but declining Maria's offer was an option neither of them dared choosing. So Joel took the spoon and loaded two potatoes onto the girl's plate. He helped himself to three more as well. 

"So, Ellie, how is your garden coming along?"

"Er, to be honest, it's not going too well. I guess Paul was right. Starting with flowers this close to fall just doesn't make any sense... But maybe the trees I planted will grow next spring! There is still a chance, right?" She babbled excitedly.

Joel smiled, gazing at her gesturing and going on about the different winter-resistant plants that she had read about in some book and wanted to include in her garden-ensemble. Her green eyes sparkling with excitement were simply mesmerizing.

A foot hit his shin hard under the table. He jerked slightly and looked around for the culprit. Tommy was staring at him sternly. Maria shot the men a quick questioning look before focusing on Ellie again. The girl hadn't even noticed the little disturbance in her audience. 

As Ellie - being last to finish her dish due to all her talking - finally put down her fork, Tommy rose to his feet swiftly. "I think you ladies deserve some alone-time. Joel and I'll do the dishes." 

He grabbed the plates and shot his brother a meaningful glance. Joel stood up, too, and taking a bowl and two glasses followed Tommy into the kitchen. 

"Are you ready to tell me what's goin' on or am I to receive another nice kick from you, first?" Joel was visibly pissed. His Texan accent slurring the words more than usual. 

"You're askin' me, what's goin' on? Seriously?" Tommy asked incredulously. He turned around to put the plates into the sink, turned the faucet on and snorted.

"What's this about, Tommy?"

"What's this about? Okay, play dumb! Though I am warnin' you, it's not gonna fly with me, so you better find another strategy, soon." Joel shook his head, what was he saying?

"I'll tell you what this is about, then" - Tommy continued, when Joel didn't reply - "what the fuck is goin' on between you 'n' Ellie?" Joel tried really hard to keep his features relaxed. This was just like one of these times he got questioned and tortured by one of the bandits. He just had to stay calm. (‘Do not let your face betray you!’) How did Tommy know? What did he know and since when? 

When Joel didn't respond – again - Tommy snorted - again -. "Typical" he whispered under his breath, but neither the word not the bitterness behind it were lost on Joel.

"I figured you guys had a special bond after that crazy mission. But I thought, she would be more like a daughter to you."

"No one could ever replace Sarah," Joel growled almost menacingly. Bile rose to his throat and this time Joel turned his back. 

Tommy bit his lip. Shit! Of course, he hadn't meant that. Approaching his elder brother, he placed a hand on his shoulder and squeezed. He didn't have to say the words, it was their way of saying sorry.

Tommy then occupied himself with the dishes and didn't broach the subject again. 'Nicely done' Joel congratulated himself bitterly. He had through his burst of sorrow managed to avert the other's focus. But inadvertently, his brother had hit the nail straight on the head, hadn't he? 

He, Joel, should have paternal feelings for Ellie instead of what he was actually experiencing for the last few weeks! He had been over this, time and time again. And his emotional state just didn't want to listen to reason! And on the other hand, there was reason and his morals and values that didn't just blew away by emotions fiery power. 

His inner turmoil would eventually cost him his sanity, he was sure of it.

 

***

 

Meanwhile, Ellie and Maria had gone out to take a quick digestive walk in the not-too-cold late summer/ pre-autumn night. The streets were deserted which felt nice for some reason. 

"So... How's the 'exploration' going?" Maria asked, when their silence had started feeling heavy. 

Ellie blushed. She knew, (well, Joel HAD complained multiple times about the 'not-being-right'ness of their actions, so she SHOULD know) that she couldn't be completely honest with the woman as much as she had liked to. 

"Quite alright, I think", she sounded way more confident than the day she had first approached the town-leader about her feeling weird. Maria wondered about how much had actually happened in just a few weeks.

"Do tell" Maria urged.

"It is just as you said... It's all pretty natural. It seems that my body just kind of knows, what to do..." Ellie's cheeks were on fire now. But she also felt released that she could finally share her emotions about this new physicality with someone.

"Who is he?" Maria asked knowingly. The girl wouldn't just be this happy and ashamed if she had just been experimenting by herself. 

Ellie gulped. No! She couldn't tell ('but I really want to')! Joel seemed really concerned by these rules about adults not dating minors and Maria was born in the old world, too, so maybe she also valued these (totally outdated) laws? Maybe she should test the waters?

"... He is... Older" she whispered almost inaudibly.

Maria drew in a breath of excitement. 

"Is it Nick? I saw you on wall-patrol earlier! Oh honey, of course, he is quite a bit older, but we don't have that many eligible bachelor's in your age group anyways... I mean sure, Connor and Noah are about your age, but they are a couple of buffoons, they need more maturing… there is Justin - but he is only 13 so maybe not..." Maria continued babbling more to herself than to Ellie. She was listing every male subject, she could think of. But the oldest she named was Nick. Twenty-something Nick. Ellie liked him fine, sure. But if Maria couldn't even think of one man (and why not a woman? She had loved Riley and she was a girl! So why would eligibility be reduced to the men?) above the age of 25.

'Maybe ten years is the limit?' Ellie asked herself, not listening to Maria's presentation of "Jackson's Bachelors and their potential compatibility with a certain Redhead" anymore. 'But you are considered an adult at age 18' (still three years, argh!) 'So, that wouldn't be "right" either, according to Joel's logic.

"Isn't it wrong for a minor to date an adult?", she interrupted Maria unceremoniously. 

The woman came to a halt, startled. 

"Who said that?"

"Joel" well, at least with this, she could be honest.

"Psh" Maria shook her head. "I really don't think, he should be proclaimed an expert on this. You know, he was quite young when he had Sarah and his wife was actually a few years older than him. Technically, he was still a minor, and she an adult." Maria's enunciation of the words made it clear, she thought that Joel and this entire subject were full of shit.

"But that was only an age gab of a few years. What, if one person is a lot older?" 

There was a slight pinching in her stomach. Joel had rarely mentioned his wife before and Ellie wasn’t entirely sure if she wanted to know much more about the woman who had definitely shared his bed multiple times. 

"But that was only an age gab of a few years. What, if one person is a lot older?" 

Maria thought about that for a moment.

"Doesn't matter, honey. Love is love."

 

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PS: Sorry, but since I am really in a pickle with my own morale over their age gap, it is going to be a progressively angsty starting next chapter...
> 
> so sorry -.-


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year 2017 folks!
> 
> I took some time off, cause professionally things are starting to get intense for me. So, sorry for the update delay, but I guess we'll have to stick with the slowly progressing story from now on...
> 
> Love you, guys!

***

When they got home, Joel collapsed on the couch. Ellie followed him into the living room. She felt light as a feather. What a nice night! And her talk with Maria had certainly put things into perspective. 

“Hey…” she nudged his knee with hers.

“Hi…” he responded, barely able to lift his eyelids. God he was so full and sleepy!

As if they shared one mind, she yawned and fell onto the sofa half beside, half on top of Joel. She hugged him and cuddled her head into his side. The fact that her right arm was now lying across Joel’s lap resulted in him suddenly being wide-awake. 

“You should go to bed, Ellie.”

“Why? It’s pretty comfy here.” She hugged him again and moved her head from his side to his lap. 

“Can’t we just sleep here tonight? I promise, I won’t snore.” She chuckled and closed her eyes. 

‘Car crash, hunting, fire, Clickers’ Joel desperately tried to avert his consciousness from the fact that her warm cheek was basically touching his dick (okay, pervert, calm down – you still got your pants on!). His hand came down on her head and he stroked her hair, which resulted in her purring like a kitten. She snuggled a little firmer into his lap. Crap. His dick had definitely twitched. Had she noticed? ‘God, I hope not.’

Without even opening her eyes, Ellie slowly moved her hand to the hem of his shirt and slid beneath it before he could protest. Gently, she traced the little trail of hair on his abdomen from his navel down to the button of his jeans. She undid it. 

‘This cannot be happening…’, Joel thought, unable to move. His member was growing harder by the second, and she didn’t even acknowledge that she was doing this to him! Ellie still had her eyes closed. She seemed so innocent. All the while, her fingers were slowly pulling down his zipper. His hand flexed in her hair and he inhaled audibly.

“Ellie!” 

She opened her eyes and looked up. His lust was betrayed by his eyes, his panting and the tightness in his jeans. Ellie knew, he wanted this as much as her. The girl sat up and planted a light, sweet kiss on his lips. 

He couldn’t hold it together any longer. Taking her by the arms he began kissing her back passionately. She moaned when his tongue found its way to her lips and she tried to copy its motions with hers. 

Ellie shifted so she could straddle him. His hands grabbed her ass by their own accord and her arms flung around his neck. She moved her hips against the hard outline of his crotch and Joel groaned. Smiling into the kiss, she repeated the movement again and again until she had found a slow rhythm. Opening her legs a little wider she realized, that she could feel his member brushing against her folds even through the fabrics between them and she sighed happily. She didn’t know how, but she had missed this. The kissing, their contact, the friction, Joel moaning… It was bliss. 

After a while, she slid back on his thighs towards his knees and broke the kiss. Looking up at him she mouthed “I want to touch you” so softly, he wasn’t sure he had heard her right. When her hands moved to his crotch again, he saw her fingers shaking slightly. He nodded and placed his hands on her hips for support (moral and actual). 

Ellie snuck a hand into his open jeans. She stiffened. 

“It feels so… soft” she whispered in surprise. Her hand closed around him and Joel had to close his eyes. This felt too good to be true. 

Slowly, Ellie freed his member from the annoying trousers. Once out, she hesitated. Joel opened his eyes to look at her. Her gaze was fixed upon the pink flesh of his dick and her eyes moved up and down as if hypnotized. She brushed a finger tentatively along its length to see it jerk upwards a little and Joel sighed. She sprung out of her trance as if she had just gotten aware of the fact that the penis in front of her was attached to a human being. 

Why was the man so incapable of resisting her? Why did she seemingly want him so much, that there was no discouraging her? She had initiated this – again! Joel knew, he should protest; knew he should do ANYTHING and everything to avoid them crossing this line – again. But Ellie was right: if it felt so right, how could it be wrong? There was no use in struggling anymore and when Ellie touched him again, he shivered and just let his conscious go. (Bye, bye!)

She ran her index up and down his shaft and studied the responses she got from Joel’s mouth and body. His eyes were closed again, and Ellie was glad, she didn’t have to do all kinds of convincing again. She had definitely felt his inner struggle, his tenseness, but something had changed in the last ten seconds and she was determined to use this change to her advantage. 

Leaning forward, she whispered in his left ear “Don’t freak out” with an audible smile on her face. Then, she swiftly left her straddling position and knelt in front of the sofa between his knees. The irony of their switched roles wasn’t lost on Joel. A look down at her kneeling form confirmed his fears (or wasn’t it rather a joyful anticipation?) – she was about to return the favor. 

“Ellie, stop, you don’t have to do this.” A feeble last attempt to do the right thing. He couldn’t even convince himself. 

“I know.” Bowing down her head, she grabbed his member with both hands and inspected it closely as if it were a science project. Although she had small hands, her grip was a bit too firm to be exactly comfortable, but Joel’s body reacted to the familiar sensation rather positively. Tess had always gone about it quite rigorously as well. He wondered, if he should say something – talk her through it or something similar. But when she tentatively licked the glans and he had to suck in (a stupidly large amount of) air, he felt, that she would probably figure it out on her own just fine. 

Ellie enjoyed being in charge. It was nice to finally see Joel relax a little and trust her to do something nice for/to him. Also, the girl was more than curious to see, what guys felt like and what they (especially Joel) liked. She licked the top again – it tasted a little salty, but not bad. She let go and smoothly drew lines with her fingers along the length of his member. Joel exhaled. A quick look to his face told her, she was on the right track. She continued caressing his member, while flicking her tongue across the glans up and down and side-to-side, slowly increasing speed. Her right hand left the shaft to circle his balls. While his dick was hard, they were so soft and looked so vulnerable. 

She gave them a squeeze and suddenly, Joel’s hands had taken hers firmly, pulling them away. 

Ellie bit her lip. “Not good?” He shook his head. Only now she saw, that he was panting slightly – she had apparently not done too bad a job (yeah!). “I won’t do it again. Promise.” And with that, she started leaning down again to continue, but Joel pulled her upwards and kissed her instead. 

“Thank you… I think we should go to bed.” His voice was even lower than normal.

Ellie’s eyes began to sparkle and she smiled. “Yours or mine?”, she whispered in a way she thought could be seductive. (Well, one had to try, right?)

“I meant, I think we should go to sleep.” Her smile fading she stood up completely. She didn’t want to pout, but her mouth just wasn’t following her orders anymore. Why the sudden change of mind? Joel had already begun re-buttoning his shirt and zipping his pants. He began walking up the stairs and she followed, not really sure if she was to go into her own room or follow him into his. So when he entered his bedroom she stopped in front of the door and waited. 

“Why?” she asked only then. 

“C’mere”, he said and motioned for her to step closer. She complied, her mouth still in a very well constructed pouting pose. Walking towards her to close the distance faster, he opened his arms wide and embraced her. 

“Give it some time”, he said simply. 

“Okay” she answered ‘…I guess…’

 

*** 

 

At one, Ellie snuck in Joel's room. She couldn't sleep. Even though he had reassured her, that they hadn't continued because of him and not because of her mishap with his balls, she still felt guilty in a way. She lifted his blanket and got in his bed, snuggling up to his back in the process. 

Joel hadn't really been able to sleep either. His trained ears had heard her getting off her bed and he had curiously followed her progress – though light-footed – towards his room. A smile appeared on his lips at her attempt to play the 'big spoon'. The man could feel her hot breath against his exposed shoulder blade. Rather hesitantly she placed her right arm around his naked waist.  
At two, Joel turned on his back and pulled Ellie close. When she laid her head down on his torso, both of them exhaled a tense breath they hadn't been aware of holding. 'Better', both of them thought. A longed for calmness overcame them then and nestling into each other they finally found sleep.

 

***

 

Joel had experienced morning erections often when he was younger. He had also seen them occur more seldom with increasing age. However, the next morning, he was painfully reminded of their existence.

Ellie's right leg had found it's way across his hips, her arm was hugging him tightly and her head was still settled on the middle of his chest. All in all, she was now lying more atop than beside him. She was obviously still lost in dreamland, breathing evenly. Her breath was tickling his nipple, sending small shivers through his body. 

It was so nice, just being here with her in his arms. Relaxed. Almost happy. He couldn't remember the last time he had just lain like that with someone he loved.

Yes. He loved her. That was an undeniable fact. 

Hadn't she said she loved him, too? When he had heard her say it, he hadn't really dared to believe her words. But she clearly wanted him - as more than just a travel companion. She didn't seem to think of him as a father either. 

Could this actually be right? It certainly felt right in this very moment.

His arm was curled around her waist, his hand resting on the small of her back on a small bit of exposed skin. The flannel shirt she usually wore as a nightgown had apparently crept up during her movements. A quick look down confirmed, that he could now see her round panty-covered backside. 

 

***

 

Ellie felt Joel stirring slightly beneath her. His accelerated heartbeat was a comforting sound; its low frequencies traveling through muscles and bones just to reach her ear. She sighed and snuggled her cheek firmly into his chest. 

"Good morning", he whispered, stroking her untangled hair softly. 

"Hey", she responded without looking up and felt his abdomen flexing in response to her exhale. Ellie began to circle his muscular chest with her right hand. Soft curls were covering his sternum and pecs. She could see his nipples hardening at her caress. She let her hands slowly travel further south as if of their own accord, outlining his abdominal muscles, dipping into the small pit where his navel lay hidden. 

It was only then, that she felt the definite stiffness underneath her thigh. Ellie blushed and was glad, that the man couldn't see her face. Thinking back to the night before, she remembered how she had bravely licked his manhood. She could also clearly remember the time he had touched and kissed her (oh God, how he had devoured her!). The memories and images that passed before her inner eye sent a visible shiver down her spine and a hot jolt through her lower belly. Her legs tensed, scissoring him from the side, her thigh applying more pressure to his crotch. The red on her cheeks grew into an alarming magenta.

Despite her embarrassment now, she yearned for Joel's attentive fingers, his kisses, his mouth!

While the girl had started her exploration, Joel had been comparatively still. When he felt her pressing into him though, his hand automatically grabbed Ellie's ass boldly. She inhaled at his touch, almost a little alarmed. He halted.

Then she planted a soft kiss on his chest and he gave in. His other hand found her waist and pushing her shirt up, touched the now exposed skin with vehemence. 

Ellie began slightly rubbing her thigh across his length and for the first time this morning, Joel moaned. This girl would be the end of him!

Grabbing her hips suddenly, he dragged her across his body, so she was straddling him. A surprised gasp left her lips before he came up to meet her and crushed his mouth passionately onto hers. 

'God, this feels so good', Ellie managed to think before a swift jerk from his hips against hers made her conscious fall into oblivion. 

After a while, he slid his tongue across her swollen lips. His tongue was hot against hers and each contact sent little jolts of electricity to her core. She nibbled at his lower lip and he sighed, clearly enjoying it.

His strong arms enveloping her, Joel pressed their bodies together with as much strength as he dared to use. He never wanted them to be apart ever again. 

When she began grinding her crotch against his, he copied her, completely amazed at her body’s intuition. Ellie was breathing heavily now, stopping their kissing to draw breath every few seconds. A small moan left her lips and Joel, overcome with desire, flipped them over. He thrust his hips against hers, holding her firmly in his arms to prevent her from knocking against the headboard. Ellie had to groan loudly in response. 

Joel thrust again and again. He could feel her wetness creeping through the tissue of both her pants and his briefs. His cock twitched eagerly every time it collided with the girl’s crotch. How he would love to feel her warm walls enveloping him! 

His lips found her neck and he began to kiss and suck his way down to her clavicles. Ellie was moaning in rhythm with his thrusts now, her eyes shut, completely lost in the moment. The man began twiddling with the buttons of her shirt. One button undone, five more to go. The second button proved trickier. ‘No time’, was all his impatient mind could think before he halted a second and using both his hands ripped the garment in two. 

At this, Ellie’s eyes flew open. Her pupils were dilated and her breath caught in her throat for a moment. Then he brought his mouth down to her left nipple and sucked hard. 

“Ah!” she gasped. Her hands found his hair, gripping, pulling, stroking through it. 

He sought the hem of her panties and was about to pull them down when…

BANG BANG BANG

Both of them jerked, alarmed. 

 

***


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So starting from the "BANG", there is going to be an alternative story line (more action than romance, but definitely in the same universe as my story so far) that I will post seperatly once I have more material.   
> I got kind of lost in my work that is why I did not continue but I still have a bit of the original draft of Awakening that I have not published which will continue along the lines of the story in terms of being focused on Ellie and Joel's turmoil and physical discoveries.
> 
> Thank you for your support and for letting you down!

BANG BANG BANG

Both of them jerked, alarmed. 

BANG BANG – someone was knocking at (or rather trying to burst through) the front door.

“What the fuck?”, Joel mumbled getting up. Quickly, he pulled on his jogging pants and a white shirt before sprinting downstairs.   
Ellie tried to reorient herself. She had been totally lost in blissful delight and now struggled to form a coherent thought. ‘Get up, put clothes on’, she finally managed to command her body. She stood up and headed for the bathroom door.

Downstairs, Joel had arrived at their door. Looking through the peephole, he could see Maria – visibly agitated – pacing about their porch. He took in a deep breath, trying to calm himself and his body down from the excitement he had experienced only a minute ago. 

Joel opened the door hesitantly, hiding behind the solid wood in order to hide his still visible erection. 

“Maria!” He waited for her to respond, but she just turned to face him. She didn’t even try to hide the fact that she was pissed. “Good morning”, he continued unassertively. “What brings you here this early?” 

The town leader shook her head. Her golden mane was framing her face chaotically. There were dark shadows below her eyes and in combination with the frantic look on her face she seemed positively dangerous. 

“I couldn’t sleep. I have to talk to you” – she rushed past him inside the house – “… about Ellie.” 

Joel gulped. This could only mean one thing. She had somehow figured out (had she heard them just now?), what was going on between the girl and the man three-times her age. He had known it was wrong! Why had he even given in to her advances? 

He banged his head against the front door in frustration before closing it. His erection had now at least completely disappeared.   
Maria was pacing the living room, hands on her hips. 

“Can I offer you some tea…?”, Joel asked in a low voice. His own guilt came crushing on him with a force he hadn’t anticipated. How had he even succeeded on pushing it down? Also, Maria was quite intimidating when being angry.

When she didn’t respond, he attempted to move past her to the kitchen anyway. Tea couldn’t hurt (and delaying the inevitable shouting was quite tempting as well). He was just about to pass her by, when she finally halted, turning towards him, boring her index violently into his chest.

“You better tell me exactly what is going on between you two”, she said menacingly (the ‘or else’ implied). Joel swallowed hard and looked down, ashamed of his actions. Where to begin?

“Maria?” Both adults looked up. There was Ellie, standing on the bottom of the stairs fully dressed. ‘Thank God’, Joel thought. “What is going on?” Her eyes narrowed questioningly and she continued her path toward them. 

“Has he touched you, Ellie?” Maria’s voice was somewhat softer now. She grabbed both arms of the girls and lowered her face to eyelevel. Green eyes met brown ones. 

What should she respond? Though the town leader had put on a calmer façade now, Ellie had heard her angry question before entering the room. She was still agitated; Ellie could see it in the eyes rushing over her face to capture any expression that might betray the truth. Maybe this whole affair was as complicated as Joel’s struggles had implied! Maybe Joel had been right and she had been wrong? 

Ellie placed her hands on Maria’s arms, mimicking the hold on her. 

“Let’s… take a deep breath and sit down.” Her voice was calm but firm, which surprised not only her but the two adults as well. Guiding Maria to the sofa, she joined her, while Joel chose to sit on the armchair near Ellie (AKA as far from the woman as possible). 

“Why are you asking?” Ellie continued. She kept one hand on the woman’s arm, trying to confer some of the calmness onto her. 

Maria seemed confused as to her ease to suddenly lead the conversation and hesitated a few seconds before answering. “I – well – after you two left last night, Tommy told me about his concern for Joel and how he” – he shot an angry look in the man’s direction – “had been staring at you during dinner. And Tommy knows his brother pretty well, so, he knew, it wasn’t just any kind of staring…” Her voice trailed off. 

Ellie blushed slightly but kept herself from looking over to Joel. ‘Better stay focused on Maria and not give her anything more to be mad about’, she told herself.

“So?” Ellie asked, encouraging Maria to continue. 

“And then there was you, talking to me about an older guy you are interested in. And I thought, what if I this guy wasn’t Nick at all, but Joel? JOEL of all people! And I had told you to go ‘experiment’”- she was shaking her head in disbelief – “And what if he had said yes to that and that was why he was acting strangely around Tommy during the hunting trip and yesterday at dinner?” – her thoughts blurted out of her rapidly – “And… then my head exploded and I couldn’t sleep… and I just had to KNOW! So I came over as early as I dared and when I arrived at your house, I could hear noises coming from the upstairs… and” – her voice changed to an angrier tone again; she turned to Joel – “I cannot believe you’d do that!” 

Joel had been happy to just listen (okay, maybe not exactly happy, but relieved) all the while trying to figure out what to say. He couldn’t deny the fact, that he had touched Ellie (and then some). He couldn’t deny, that he loved her and wanted to do it again! He also couldn’t deny, that he felt ashamed.

He lowered his gaze, avoiding Maria’s glare. 

For the first time since her arrival, Maria paused to assess the man. He certainly did not seem happy. He did not gloat about having seduced a girl that could be his daughter – that everyone considered his adoptive daughter to be exact. He actually seemed lost. Drowning in shame and guilt.

“She is only fifteen”, she said more calmly than anything before. Joel nodded slightly. He knew. He understood.

“Wait wait wait”, Ellie interrupted. “That’s not fair! Yesterday you said age didn’t matter! ‘Love is love’!” she repeated Maria’s words, that Ellie had thought about over and over again like a mantra. “What of it if I am with someone who is ten, twenty or thirty years older?” 

Maria looked at the teen. Surprised by her sudden outburst and a bit touched by her indirect admission of feelings toward the man. 

“It’s just not right, Ellie”, Maria replied. Ellie stood up, shaking her head. She was so confused! There were tears of anger rising up in her eyes. ‘Not now!’ she scolded herself. ‘Don’t you fucking cry now!’

“You know, that’s exactly, what Joel said!” She pointed at him. “He didn’t want to, but I basically threw myself at him! I forced him to kiss me, touch me”, she said exaggerating the enunciation of the verb. Now, she had finally confirmed Maria’s concerns. But she wouldn’t let the man she loved take the blame on this. 

“He should have resisted nevertheless”, Maria replied urgently. “There are rules, Ellie.” 

“And what are these godforsaken rules, you all seem to care about so much? To not have adults go around seducing minors? And yesterday, when you thought I liked Nick, this didn’t seem to bother you at all. Though HE is an adult as well!” A single tear rolled down her cheek. She brushed it away fiercely. How could she make them see, how stupid they were being with all their double standard morals?

Almost absentmindedly, Joel had gotten up too and was now pulling the girl into a firm hug. Stroking her hair and back he tried to appease her. And then, she just let go. She let got of the exertion of the conversation, the tension of the abrupt change of situations, the strain that the last few weeks with all their emotional ups and downs had put on her…

Maria was quite lost for words. Indeed, had it been Nick (still about 8 years older than the girl), not Joel, she would have encouraged the girl to go ahead and not think twice about the age difference. There weren’t many young men around whom she considered suitable for the girl. But this was Joel! Thrice her age! Older than her and Tommy! Then again, it was Joel: the man who had protected the girl against Runners, Clickers, and Hunters during their mission. Maria still didn’t really know, what they had been through. From the bits that Joel had relayed to her and Tommy, she could imagine there having been considerable obstacles to overcome. Maybe the bond that the two of them had forged in these difficult times wasn’t anything that could be assessed by laws passed in a different time. 

“I… I have to go.” Without awaiting a response, Maria marched out of their home, leaving Joel to console the girl; leaving Ellie wondering if her reasoning had resonated with the woman at all. 

 

***

 

Ellie had soon left for some fresh air, leaving Joel behind. He had tried to insist on accompanying her, but she needed to clear her head. He probably needed some time to reflect on the confrontation with Maria as well.

Ellie had to admit she was pissed! Besides being confused about her own transition into womanhood (and she really hated being confused), the lack of response Joel had given to Maria's accusations was irritating as hell. Why hadn't he said anything? Why hadn't he defended himself? He could have reasoned with the town leader, or at least tell her, what he felt for Ellie. He could have even blamed Ellie, because, it would have been the truth. She had initiated their physical contact; she had insisted again and again, that she didn't care about it being "wrong". Because she had only cared for what she wanted. Because she was selfish. And Joel had complied. Because it was Joel. And Joel took care of her. Joel loved her... Right?

But was that really all? 

Why had he been so quiet? It had almost seemed, as if he agreed with Maria's reasoning; as if he had been right about it being so horribly wrong what they were doing. But how could it be wrong? 

'Love is love.' 

She thought back to David. What he had done, what he had tried to do. THAT had been wrong. Yes, that much was clear. But not because he was older. Because it would have been forced. Because Ellie didn't want that. 

The girl could see his deranged face in front of her. She remembered how he had leaned over her, strangling her, forcing his hips against hers. Flames making the wood crack loudly in between the sounds of their struggle. 

He would have raped her then. Even with the building about to collapse on them any second, about to kill them both. His eyes had been predatory, his intentions clearly betrayed. 

Ellie shivered. 

It had not come to this. She exhaled the breath she had been holding. Thinking about David and the events that had transpired last winter always made her tense up. Her neck muscles began aching and she tried to stretch them by tilting her head to the left, then to the right.   
No. With Joel, it wasn't at all like that. She enjoyed feeling his weight on her. His rough hands caressing her skin. His crotch pressing against hers. 

The more and more familiar tingly feeling in her tummy returned. 

Before Joel, she had only felt it once. The very first time, she hadn't known what it was. It had been in the mall, when she was dancing with Riley. And the sudden urge to kiss her had overcome the girl quite violently. 

A small tear rolled down Ellie's cheek, when she thought about how the night had continued. She brushed the tear away with her hand and looked up to the sky. It was a nice day. Blue sky, sun, cold-ish. She loved autumn. 

It was the season of change. Leaves turning bright green, yellow, even fiery red. Plants were preparing to sleep, squirrels were looking for nuts and such to hide as a winter snack. But there was also a feeling of loss. The sun would disappear increasingly, giving way to cloudy skies and long nights.

What would Maria do now? She had been angry to the point of screaming. Aghast, repelled by Joel's actions. Would she send him away? If she did, Ellie would go with him!

'If he wants me to come, that is.' Ellie didn't really want to cultivate thoughts of him not wanting her, of him leaving her. He loved her! He would never leave her behind, right?

But why hadn't he spoken up, then? 

'Maybe I really pushed too far', Ellie thought. Maybe he would insist on them stopping the physical side of their relationship until she was of age, as he had already propositioned her what seemed like an eternity ago.

Ellie shook her head. No. She wouldn't be able to bear it. She'd rather die. 

'How very dramatic of you', she told herself sarcastically. Surely, there was more to life than kissing the man she loved and have him touch her, make her feel good!? Spending time with him, for example! 

'Not enough', she thought and was a bit shocked by the honesty of her inner voice. God, she really was selfish! The truth was, she could hardly remember, not wanting the older man. Would she ever be able to suppress her feelings to the point where it was okay to just talk? ‘Be friends'? 

No. That wasn't an option at all. 

She turned on the spot and walked towards her next destination.

 

***


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the irregular updates. Life is rarely giving me time to get back to writing these days, but I am definitely not done yet! Enjoy the drama!

***

"Hey Tommy", she said, looking up at the man with mixed emotions. How much did he really know? What did he think? 

"Ellie", he replied curtly. He stepped aside and motioned for her to step inside. At once, Maria emerged from their kitchen. She looked as distressed as before. 

The two women halted, a mere arm length apart. For a second, they just stood there, looking at each other with concerned, sad eyes. Then they closed the distance and hugged. 

"I'm so sorry for yelling, earlier." 

"It's okay, Maria. But, we should talk", said Ellie, feeling pretty grown-up. For once, she hadn't come here to ask questions about her arousal, for once she was neither shameful nor embarrassed. That was new.

Tommy closed the door but was at a loss of what to do next. He coughed and moved toward his armchair. 

"I think, I'll stay for this", he stated and Ellie nodded. This concerned him too, in a way. Nevertheless, Ellie felt a bit more nervous. Now, there were two people to convince.

"I don't know, what Maria has told you of..." - "I know." Tommy interrupted her. Best get everyone on the same page immediately. 

Ellie gulped. O...kay...

"I'm in love with him." She began. Maria was about to interject, but Tommy took her hand in his and squeezed it, shooting her a meaningful glance. 

"It seems, everyone of you guys thought I was interested in Nick, for some reason. I'm not. I've only ever been interested in Joel these last few weeks. I know, it may seem strange to you. And these kinds of feelings are all fairly new to me as well. But he and I, we grew so close during our trip. We had so many close calls. He protected me. I took care of him... Please don't take him away from me!" Damn, the structured conversation that she had planned on having was derailed by the overwhelming fear of loss in the face of them possibly punishing him for her actions.

"It was me, who came on to him. Maria told me to go explore. And he said, I should enjoy youth and I wanted to experience... that... with him. He didn't want to at first. He repeatedly said, it was wrong. And I didn't listen, because in my mind, how can something be wrong that feels so right? And then, Maria, you implied, it would be okay for me to love an older guy. Okay. You thought about Nick, but why is it so much worse that it is Joel? He is not just anyone, he is... Joel!" There was urgency in her voice. She wanted them to see! There was only ever one logical companion for her. The things, they had survived! The strength their bond provided. The trust between them. How could there ever be anything like that with someone else?

Why couldn't she just put these thoughts into words? 

"Ellie... It is not your fault. Even though you say, you came on to him, he, as the adult, should have prevented anything from happening. And there must be consequences." Ellie tried to interrupt, but Maria silenced her with a simple gesture. "Just listen to our side, okay?" Ellie nodded.

"I think", Tommy said, "while it might feel right to you, right now, it looks wrong - a grown man who could easily be your father kissing you. In my eyes, you were always his adopted daughter. When he lost Sarah, he was a broken man. And when I saw him with you, there was this light in him, which I hadn't seen in 20 years. I'm glad, he has found a reason to be happy again, but he's taking advantage of you if he's taking your relationship to this intimate level."

"But that's just it, Tommy! If anyone is taking advantage, it is I! I convinced him to go... There!" God, how uncomfortable to find the words without painting too strong a picture. 

"Don't we deserve to be happy?"

Okay, maybe she was trying to guilt trip them now. She saw it herself and was pretty sure, that they were seeing through it, too.

"Ellie, it has nothing to do with that. Of course, we want to see you happy." Tommy continued. "Both of you", Maria added quickly. Her husband sighed slightly and nodded. "But, although we might understand part of the reasons for you two falling for each other, the townsfolk won't be so understanding. As Maria has already explained to you, there were specific laws against these kinds of relationships in the old world. Even if Joel seems to have forgotten about it." - "He hasn't!", Ellie exclaimed. She didn't want them to think badly of Joel. It was all her doing!

"Okay... Look, we are afraid what might happen, if this kind of a relationship is deemed appropriate all of the sudden." 

"What is there to be concerned about?" Ellie just couldn't see, how two people loving each other could lead to any kind of a negative outcome.

"People will get hurt. You see, teenagers are pretty busy just trying to find their place in life, figuring out who they are and what they want. They are not all as stubborn or strong as you" Tommy was smiling now, trying to soften the mood. "Older men, they might take advantage, promise young girls love and romance just to get off." He was looking down. The sombre mood had quickly returned. 

"We've seen it happen, Ellie. We... Just don't want anyone to get hurt. Including you." 

Ellie didn't know what to say. The convincing hadn't gone as planned. They were supposed to say that it was okay. Because Joel loved Ellie and Ellie loved Joel! Instead, they painted a picture, where Ellie and Joel had to be father and daughter and nothing more. 

She shook her head in disbelief. "But why, Maria, why would it have been okay, if it had been Nick?" The older woman suddenly shifted uncomfortably in her seat. Why would it have been okay? 

"I think, him being closer in age, even while being an adult, would have made some people cringe their noses, but since in these times, there are a limited option of possible partners, I doubt anyone would have been against it for long. In my mind, when I thought of you and Nick, I always thought, well, when you are twenty, he's gonna be close to thirty and that really isn't that bad. But with Joel... As Tommy had said: he has already been a father. By now, he could have been a grandfather. It just seems surreal, that you and him would ever form a romantic attachment in which both of you were equals."

"We could keep it quiet", Ellie started pleading. "No one would have to know, if you are afraid that people might get hurt by this kind of a relationship perpetuating. We can just keep it to ourselves!"

"No, Ellie. I'm sorry, but I don't think that would work", Tommy said shaking his head no. Maria was looking sadly at Ellie before moving so as to sit closer to the girl. 

"I'm so sorry, Ellie" She pulled the girl into a warm hug. "I feel responsible... I shouldn't have told you to just go explore... I should have talked about everything with you, I should have seen it sooner, should have prevented it..." Maria was sobbing slightly. 

Ellie felt empty. She couldn't cry. Not anymore. If they weren't to accept them as they were, how could she stay here? She didn't want Maria to shed tears. It wasn't her fault. It was nobody's fault! Falling in love was not something you could control, right? But why did they have to have these godforsaken rules? Why couldn't there be an exception to the rule?

She stood up, entangling herself swiftly from Maria's arms. 

"I better go." 

 

***

 

"Ellie!" Joel closed the distance between them and pulled her into his arms. Her sad features had not escaped his notice. What had happened? She reciprocated his hug half-heartedly at first, but when he began stroking her hair, she closed both of her thin arms behind his back and crushed her head into his chest. She would never let him go!

"Where were you? What happened?", the man asked, not letting go an inch.

"I had to think about what Maria said earlier. Then I went to her, Tommy was there too...", she mumbled into his shirt. "I tried to convince them, that this" - she gave him an extra squeeze - "is right! That we love each other!"

Smiling slightly at her bluntness, he placed a small kiss on her head. 

“'Gather it didn’t work?”, he whispered into her hair. She shook her head. 

“It’s fine”, he said. 

“It is NOT fine!”

“It will be fine.”

“How?”

He contemplated their situation. He loved the girl and she evidently loved him. But she was a teenager, she hardly knew what to make of all those emotions overcoming her. They could change, disappear even as quickly as they had appeared. Joel didn’t really feel like taking this into consideration, but how often had he fallen for someone at that age and quickly gotten bored and moved on to the next girl. Being young was hard.

“They just found out, Ellie. Let 'em digest the news…” She nodded hesitantly. “…Let… us digest this.” She looked up at him. 

“What do you mean?” Her voice was strange, doubting with a hint of accusation in it. She had seen right through him. 

“There've been an awful lot goin' on these last few weeks… I think it might be good to take a breath and just… be ourselves again.”

“Instead of what? The crazy clownish cartoons that have been impersonating us the times we've been kissing?” It was a hurtful snarl and Ellie withdrew. 

He closed his eyes and exhaled an exasperated sigh. Trying to stay calm, he pressed his arms into his sides as an outlet for all the tension building up again. “That's not, what I meant. But we – Ellie and Joel – how we interacted before… I miss that. The trust, the talks about our days and stories about wall patrol and gossip and such. We've been so on edge, tip toeing around each other or passionately loosin' control that there've not been an ounce of normalcy!” God was he glad to get that off his chest.

“You’re exaggerating”, the girl replied bluntly.

“Of course, I am… and while I really enjoy being closer, I miss us being our ‘normal us’…”

Ellie thought about his words for a moment. She had missed spending some normal time with him as well. Just laughing about stupid things some of the townsfolk did or said, thinking about adventures, talking about Joel’s world pre-apocalypse. The situation they had been in had either been full of awkwardness or sexual tension (some of it resolved [yippie!] and some not [urgh!]). Maybe she had been too far lost into her own head, figuring out what felt good, in which ways she wanted to be touched, that she overlooked that their former connection was beginning to disappear?

When Ellie didn’t respond, Joel closed the gap between them again, taking her by her arms. “Maybe, while Tommy and Maria try to figure out, what to think about the whole situation, we could take a break from the ‘craziness’ and return to being just ‘us’?” 

‘And all the while, I can try to figure out, how I feel about seducing and bein' seduced by a teen-aged girl…’ Joel added in his thoughts. This would certainly not be easy…

Ellie shrugged. What could she do, if Maria, Tommy and Joel all seemed to feel the same (wrong) way? Perhaps, Joel would chill if she didn’t come on to him so strongly for a while and she could convince him to try again later on? Maybe…

 

***


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear readers, I am so sorry, for this incredible delay. I haven't given up on this fic, there is just not much time to write and even less time to develop ideas for the plot.   
> I think, there is a first nice conclusion to come to at the end of this chapter. Who knows, where the story goes from there? ;-)

***

Ellie had soon left for some fresh air, leaving Joel behind. He had tried to insist on accompanying her, but she needed to clear her head. He probably needed some time to reflect on the confrontation with Maria as well.

Ellie had to admit she was pissed! Besides being confused about her own transition into womanhood (and she really hated being confused), the lack of response Joel had given to Maria's accusations was irritating as hell. Why hadn't he said anything? Why hadn't he defended himself? He could have reasoned with the town leader, or at least tell her, what he felt for Ellie. He could have even blamed Ellie, because, it would have been the truth. She had initiated their physical contact; she had insisted again and again, that she didn't care about it being "wrong". Because she had only cared for what she wanted. Because she was selfish. And Joel had complied. Because it was Joel. And Joel took care of her. Joel loved her... Right?

But was that really all? 

Why had he been so quiet? It had almost seemed, as if he agreed with Maria's reasoning; as if he had been right about it being so horribly wrong what they were doing. But how could it be wrong? 

'Love is love.' 

She thought back to David. What he had done, what he had tried to do. THAT had been wrong. Yes, that much was clear. But not because he was older. Because it would have been forced. Because Ellie didn't want that. 

The girl could see his deranged face in front of her. She remembered how he had leaned over her, strangling her, forcing his hips against hers. Flames making the wood crack loudly in between the sounds of their struggle. 

He would have raped her then. Even with the building about to collapse on them any second, about to kill them both. His eyes had been predatory, his intentions clearly betrayed. 

Ellie shivered. 

It had not come to this. She exhaled the breath she had been holding. Thinking about David and the events that had transpired last winter always made her tense up. Her neck muscles began aching and she tried to stretch them by tilting her head to the left, then to the right. 

No. With Joel, it wasn't at all like that. She enjoyed feeling his weight on her. His rough hands caressing her skin. His crotch pressing against hers. 

The more and more familiar tingly feeling in her tummy returned. 

Before Joel, she had only felt it once. The very first time, she hadn't known what it was. It had been in the mall, when she was dancing with Riley. And the sudden urge to kiss her had overcome the girl quite violently. 

A small tear rolled down Ellie's cheek, when she thought about how the night had continued. She brushed the tear away with her hand and looked up to the sky. It was a nice day. Blue sky, sun, cold-ish. She loved autumn. 

It was the season of change. Leaves turning bright green, yellow, even fiery red. Plants were preparing to sleep, squirrels were looking for nuts and such to hide as a winter snack. But there was also a feeling of loss. The sun would disappear increasingly, giving way to cloudy skies and long nights.

What would Maria do now? She had been angry to the point of screaming. Aghast, repelled by Joel's actions. Would she send him away? If she did, Ellie would go with him!

'If he wants me to come, that is.' Ellie didn't really want to cultivate thoughts of him not wanting her, of him leaving her. He loved her! He would never leave her behind, right?

But why hadn't he spoken up, then? 

'Maybe I really pushed too far', Ellie thought. Maybe he would insist on them stopping the physical side of their relationship until she was of age, as he had already propositioned her what seemed like an eternity ago.

Ellie shook her head. No. She wouldn't be able to bear it. She'd rather die. 

'How very dramatic of you', she told herself sarcastically. Surely, there was more to life than kissing the man she loved and have him touch her, make her feel good!? Spending time with him, for example! 

'Not enough', she thought and was a bit shocked by the honesty of her inner voice. God, she really was selfish! The truth was, she could hardly remember, not wanting the older man. Would she ever be able to suppress her feelings to the point where it was okay to just talk? ‘Be friends'? 

No. That wasn't an option at all. 

She turned on the spot and walked towards her next destination.

 

***

 

"Hey Tommy", she said, looking up at the man with mixed emotions. How much did he really know? What did he think? 

"Ellie", he replied curtly. He stepped aside and motioned for her to step inside. At once, Maria emerged from their kitchen. She looked as distressed as before. 

The two women halted, a mere arm length apart. For a second, they just stood there, looking at each other with concerned, sad eyes. Then they closed the distance and hugged. 

"I am so sorry for yelling, earlier." 

"It's okay, Maria. But, we should talk", said Ellie, feeling pretty grown-up. For once, she hadn't come here to ask questions about her arousal, for once she was neither shameful nor embarrassed. That was new.

Tommy closed the door but was at a loss of what to do next. He coughed and moved toward his armchair. 

"I think, I'll stay for this", he stated and Ellie nodded. This concerned him too, in a way. Nevertheless, Ellie felt a bit more nervous. Now, there were two people to convince.

"I don't know, what Maria has told you of..." - "I know." Tommy interrupted her. Best get everyone on the same page immediately. 

Ellie gulped. O...kay...

"I'm in love with him." She began. Maria was about to interject, but Tommy took her hand in his and squeezed it, shooting her a meaningful glance. 

"It seems, everyone of you guys thought I was interested in Nick, for some reason. I am not. I have only been interested in Joel these last few weeks. I know, it may seem strange to you. And these kinds of feelings are all fairly new to me as well. But he and I, we grew so close during our trip. We had so many close calls. He protected me. I took care of him... Please don't take him away from me!" Damn, the structured conversation that she had planned on having was derailed by the overwhelming fear of loss in the face of them possibly punishing him for her actions.  
"It was me, who came on to him. Maria told me to go explore. And he said, I should enjoy youth and I wanted to experience... that... with him. He didn't want to at first. He repeatedly said, it was wrong. And I didn't listen, because in my mind, how can something be wrong that feels so right? And then, Maria, you implied, it would be okay for me to love an older guy. Okay. You thought about Nick, but why is it so much worse that it is Joel? He is not just anyone, he is... Joel!" There was urgency in her voice. She wanted them to see! There was only ever one logical companion for her. The things, they had survived! The strength their bond provided. The trust between them. How could there ever be anything like that with someone else?

Why couldn't she just put these thoughts into words? 

"Ellie... It is not your fault. Even though you say, you came on to him, he, as the adult, should have prevented anything from happening. And there must be consequences." Ellie tried to interrupt, but Maria silenced her with a simple gesture. "Just listen to our side, okay?" Ellie nodded.

"I think", Tommy said, "while it might feel right to you, right now, it looks wrong - a grown man who could easily be your father kissing you. In my eyes, you were always his adopted daughter. When he lost Sarah, he was a broken man. And when I saw him with you, there was this light in him, which I hadn't seen in 20 years. I am glad, he has found a reason to be happy again, but he is taking advantage of you if he is taking your relationship to this intimate level."

"But that is just it, Tommy! If anyone is taking advantage, it is I! I convinced him to go... There!" God, how uncomfortable to find the words without painting too strong a picture. 

"Don't we deserve to be happy?"

Okay, maybe she was trying to guilt trip them now. She saw it herself and was pretty sure, that they were seeing through it, too.

"Ellie, it has nothing to do with that. Of course, we want to see you happy." Tommy continued. "Both of you", Maria added quickly. Her husband sighed slightly and nodded. "But, although we might understand part of the reasons for you two falling for each other, the townsfolk won't be so understanding. As Maria has already explained to you, there were specific laws against these kinds of relationships in the old world. Even if Joel seems to have forgotten about it." - "He hasn't!", Ellie exclaimed. She didn't want them to think badly of Joel. It was all her doing!

"Okay... Look, we are afraid what might happen, if this kind of a relationship is deemed appropriate all of the sudden." 

"What is there to be concerned about?" Ellie just couldn't see, how two people loving each other could lead to any kind of a negative outcome.

"People will get hurt. You see, teenagers are pretty busy just trying to find their place in life, figuring out who they are and what they want. They are not all as stubborn or strong as you" Tommy was smiling now, trying to soften the mood. "Older men, they might take advantage, promise young girls love and romance just to get off." He was looking down. The sombre mood had quickly returned. 

"We've seen it happen, Ellie. We... Just don't want anyone to get hurt. Including you." 

Ellie didn't know what to say. The convincing hadn't gone as planned. They were supposed to say that it was okay. Because Joel loved Ellie and Ellie loved Joel! Instead, they painted a picture, where Ellie and Joel had to be father and daughter and nothing more. 

She shook her head in disbelief. "But why, Maria, why would it have been okay, if it had been Nick?" The older woman suddenly shifted uncomfortably in her seat. Why would it have been okay? 

"I think, him being closer in age, even while being an adult, would have made some people cringe their noses, but since in these times, there are a limited option of possible partners, I doubt anyone would have been against it for long. In my mind, when I thought of you and Nick, I always thought, well, when you are twenty, he's gonna be close to thirty and that really isn't that bad. But with Joel... As Tommy had said: he has already been a father. By now, he could have been a grandfather. It just seems surreal, that you and him would ever form a romantic attachment in which both of you were equals."

"We could keep it quiet", Ellie started pleading. "No one would have to know, if you are afraid that people might get hurt by this kind of a relationship perpetuating. We can just keep it to ourselves!"

"No, Ellie. I am sorry, but I don't think that would work", Tommy said shaking his head no. Maria was looking sadly at Ellie before moving so as to sit closer to the girl. 

"I am so sorry, Ellie" She pulled the girl into a warm hug. "I feel responsible... I shouldn't have told you to just go explore... I should have talked about everything with you, I should have seen it sooner, should have prevented it..." Maria was sobbing slightly. 

Ellie felt empty. She couldn't cry. Not anymore. If they weren't to accept them as they were, how could she stay here? She didn't want Maria to shed tears. It wasn't her fault. It was nobody's fault! Falling in love was not something you could control, right? But why did they have to have these godforsaken rules? Why couldn't there be an exception to the rule?

She stood up, entangling herself swiftly from Maria's arms. 

"I better go." 

 

***

 

"Ellie!" Joel closed the distance between them and pulled her into his arms. Her sad features had not escaped his notice. What had happened? She reciprocated his hug half-heartedly at first, but when he began stroking her hair, she closed both of her thin arms behind his back and crushed her head into his chest. She would never let him go!  
"Where were you? What happened?", the man asked, not letting go an inch.

"I had to think about what Maria said earlier. Then I went to her, Tommy was there too...", she mumbled into his shirt. "I tried to convince them, that this" - she gave him an extra squeeze - "is right! That we love each other!"

Smiling slightly at her bluntness, he placed a small kiss on her head. 

“I gather it didn’t work?”, he whispered into her hair. She shook her head. 

“It’s fine”, he said. 

“It is NOT fine!”

“It will be fine.”

“How?”

He contemplated their situation. He loved the girl and she evidently loved him. But she was a teenager, she hardly knew what to make of all those emotions overcoming her. They could change, disappear even as quickly as they had appeared. Joel didn’t really feel like taking this into consideration, but how often had he fallen for someone at that age and quickly gotten bored and moved on to the next girl. Being young was hard.

“They just found out, Ellie. Let them digest the news…” She nodded hesitantly. “…Let… us digest this.” She looked up at him. 

“What do you mean?” Her voice was strange, doubting with a hint of accusation in it. She had seen right through him. 

“There have been an awful lot going on these last few weeks… I think it might be good to take a breath and just… be ourselves again.”

“Instead of what? The crazy clownish cartoons that have been impersonating us the times we have been kissing?” It was a hurtful snarl and Ellie withdrew. 

He closed his eyes and exhaled an exasperated sigh. Trying to stay calm, he pressed his arms into his sides as an outlet for all the tension building up again. “That is not, what I meant. But we – Ellie and Joel – how we interacted before… I miss that. The trust, the talks about our days and stories about wall patrol and gossip and such. We have been so on edge, tip toeing around each other or passionately loosing control that there have not been an ounce of normalcy!” God was he glad to get that off his chest.

“You’re exaggerating”, the girl replied bluntly.

“Of course, I am… and while I really enjoy, being closer, I miss us being our ‘normal us’…”

Ellie thought about his words for a moment. She had missed spending some normal time with him as well. Just laughing about stupid things some of the townsfolk did or said, thinking about adventures, talking about Joel’s world pre-apocalypse. The situation they had been in had either been full of awkwardness or sexual tension (some of it resolved and some not). Maybe she had been too far into her own head, figuring out what felt good in which ways she wanted to be touched that she overlooked that their prior connection was beginning to decay?

When Ellie didn’t respond, Joel closed the gap between them again, taking her by her arms. “Maybe, while Tommy and Maria try to figure out, what to think about the whole situation, we could take a break from the ‘craziness’ and return to being just ‘us’?” 

‘And all the while, I can try to figure out, how I feel about seducing and being seduced by a teen-aged girl…’ Joel added in his thoughts. This would certainly not be easy…

Ellie shrugged. What could she do, if Maria, Tommy and Joel all seemed to feel the same (wrong) way? Perhaps, Joel would chill if she didn’t come on to him so strongly for a while and she could convince him to try again later on? Maybe…

 

***

 

Maria seemed to feel, that Ellie and Joel had taken a step back from their “relationship”, or maybe Joel had said something to her, because the next time Ellie met the woman, she seemed as nice as ever and just as happy. While decidedly avoiding the topic of “Joel ‘n’ Ellie”, the girls discussed the upcoming fall festivities (‘Thanks-giving?’). Some of the farmers were setting aside a few turkeys and the whole city was going to celebrate in the town square at the end of November. Wilson had shot a deer that had come a little bit too close to the wall for its own good and some of the lady folk were preparing salads, mashed potatoes and roasted vegetables to accompany the meat. Ellie stuck to Nick during the preparations. He had taken it upon himself to collect some red berries in the forest surrounding Jackson. He was good company as always, just talking along, telling Ellie stories about his latest development in the “love department”.

Apparently, the farmer’s daughter Calli had had an eye on him for a while. As he was quite handsome, there seemed to be a few of the teenage girls shooting him longing glances, whenever he crossed the city center, but of course, many of the girls were too young for him. ‘Oh, there is that again’, thought Ellie and there was a sharp pain in her stomach. Apparently even Nick thought that dating a minor was “not so good”.

“However, Calli is going to be 18 in two weeks and I think, that will be the beginning of the greatest love story Jackson has seen in a while!” Nick finished his tale.

“But you guys have hardly talked, how can you be so sure?” Ellie asked bewildered by his confidence.

“Oh, but we HAVE talked – in my dreams!” Nick winked at Ellie and she burst out laughing. “And there have been many deep conversations about what we would be, if there weren’t any monsters lurking at our door; what our children would be like in a world full of peace; which colors to choose for our wedding and how to support the big family that we are going to have once Calli popped out child #7!” Ellie almost doubled over with laughter. It was a welcome change from the seriousness dominating her waking thoughts. 

Nick winked again and turned toward the next bush to collect more berries. They had already collected an entire basket, but they also had to provide enough for everyone, so he continued. 

“What about you Ellie? With whom do you plan to live out the rest of your days? Whose children are going to occupy your womb? Which names are they gonna be given?” he asked in a theatrical voice.

Ellie turned away. Why did he have to turn the conversation around. He normally liked so much to talk about himself, why couldn’t he just carry on doing that? 

“Oh me?” she stalled, trying to think of an answer that would satisfy him so they could change the subject.

“Oh I know”, he began, when she didn’t continue directly. “You are going to marry Joel and he’ll be proclaimed a scoundrel for taking advantage of a beautiful maiden such as yourself! You’ll flee from this godforsaken town and build yourself a castle. You’ll bear him 5 children in five years and then…” he halted when Ellie didn’t laugh or look back at him but started walking off. 

“Hey! Wait!” She continued to walk faster and further into the woods. Nick dropped his basket and sped up to catch up with her. When he was just behind her, he grabbed her arm and turned her around. Ellie’s face was tense, sad and there were different emotions making her facial muscles dance. Finally, she looked at the forest floor, ashamed.

“Hey… what’s wrong, Ellie?” his voice had changed from the dramatic impression of a theatre actor to a soft and caring tone. “Sorry, I was just kidding around… please don’t be offended… or sad…” Nick hardly knew what else to say and when Ellie didn’t respond, he drew her into a firm hug. 

Ellie sighed and hugged him back. How had he managed to make her dreams sound like a fucking joke? Was it so wrong to wish for exactly what he had described (minus the castle and the five kids)? Just… run away together? Go someplace where they could be exactly what they wanted to be? No barrier, just their normal selves plus a few make-out-sessions and sensual touching in between. She felt the heat rise to her cheeks and quickly buried her face in Nick’s shoulder. 

“Hey… you wanna talk about it?” he asked, still using his soft and comforting voice. She had never known him to be particularly empathetic. Most of their communal time, they had spent watching the distance on wall patrol or he had been telling some made up (or at least ‘groomed’) story about things that had happened to him or ‘someone he had once known’. 

“Dunno…” she hesitated. Maybe it would be good to tell someone other than Maria and Tommy. Maybe she could convince Nick, that her love for the grown man she was living with wasn’t some kind of a teenage joke but… real! Maybe he could be an advocate for their love. (‘Okay, Ellie, you gotta stop now, stop dreaming… if he is not into minors while only being a few years older, why should he condone Joel and you making out?’)

Nick let go of her to take a proper look at her face. She swallowed avoiding his gaze. “I am sorry, I joked around before… you actually want Joel to be with you, don’t you?”

She gasped in surprise.

“How…? Why…?” she stammered, not even sure of the question she wanted answered.

He laughed slightly and squeezed her arm before turning away, concentrating again on the task at hand (gathering berries). 

“Just a feeling. The way you look at each other was always pretty intense, like you had a telepathic connection or something. I always thought, if you would fall for someone, it would be him. And the way you were acting these past few weeks… and him being even more broody on the hunting trip I got to go on. He had some sort of argument with Tommy then and when we returned, you were so awkward around each other. It all makes sense now, I guess…” He shrugged and went along the path in search of the next bush.

“Oh, look, some mushrooms! You think they are edible?” He had halted and stood now, towering a mushroom, which resembled an umbrella. How could he just change the subject like that? Ellie had barely started registering and processing everything that he had said.

If he had suspected something weird going on between Joel and Ellie, others might have as well. Although they hadn’t come to the same conclusions, yet. But maybe that was just Nick’s thing. The always romantic Nick: constantly in search for true love (or so he said). 

“Don’t you want to add anything?” Ellie asked hesitantly.

“Like what?”

“Like: ‘Urgh! He’s old! Don’t do it! It’s wrong!’…???”

“Nope.” ‘What?’, Ellie thought in total shock. He didn’t even pretend to be disturbed by their ‘thing’.

“But-“

“Look, Ellie, as far as I am concerned, it seems like you guys have been through a lot and you seem to feel pretty deeply for each other anyways. You seem mature enough and he really seems like a guy who could use someone to take care of him. Frankly, I don’t believe there could ever be someone else for each one of you considering the ‘bond’ that was forged on this fucking ‘voyage’ of yours. I mean, he is old as fuck, but if you want to kiss him anyways and see his wrinkled body, who am I to stand in your way?” At this he was smirking and walking on, discarding the mushroom at his feet. 

Baffled, Ellie stared at his back for a few moments, collecting her thoughts. How she wished that Maria had said these words to her! (Okay, minus the ‘old as fuck’ and ‘wrinkled body’ parts). The woman who had believingly said “Love is love” as if this was the golden rule, had been so appalled by the idea of Ellie loving the man thrice her age! And Nick seemingly couldn’t care less… Maybe she had been right all along: The pre-apocalypse-times had a definite impact on how love and age difference was perceived.

She should gather more information. 

 

***

 

Joel had at least as many conflicted feelings concerning their sudden "normality" as he had had in regard to their new found intimacy. Of course, he enjoyed just spending time with her like before - although he doubted either one of them was really "back in their previous position"; a line had been crossed and there was no easy stepping back from that. He loved her...

Obviously, he not only loved her laugh, her annoyance at certain stupidities of others and the little fights that they had on an almost daily basis. He had also fallen for her strength and bravery... For her little gasps and moans and for the way her body reacted to his touch.

In vain, he tried to rid his body from the goosebumps that covered his skin at the memory of their past "indiscretions". 

He knew, his brain knew that it was wrong to seduce ('Or rather be seduced by...' He thought mocking his own rationale) a teenage girl. But Ellie was so much more than that: she was his! His everything! The person who comforted him, who - for a change - took care of him; who was brave where he didn't dare to be; who trusted him with her live... 'She had trusted you with her death, too, and you betrayed her anyway', his inner commentator scolded him. 

So to sum things up: while his brains were more or less okay with taking a step back from their new "relationship", his heart and his body's lower half just didn't seem to get it, yet.

Maybe that was why he couldn't really blame Ellie for not jumping at the idea of "getting back to normality". Maybe that was why, when he walked by the door of her room a few days later, hearing unmistakable noises of pleasure, he didn't find the strength to turn around and leave. Maybe that was why Joel now leaned against the doorframe listening to the faint moans and gasps he loved so much.

'She is going to be the end of me', the man thought not for the first and definitely not for the last time.

 

***

 

On the other side of the door, Ellie was trying really hard to make herself reach the highs, Joel had introduced her to. Just because he had decided not to continue their intimacy for the time being didn't mean, she could just shut the hormones off like a light switch. 

At the moment, her fingers were playing with her little nub frantically. She tried imagining her fingers being Joel's as she had done before, but her body was not to be fooled today. While there was a definite warm and fuzzy feeling rising in her tummy, she still didn't feel nearly as good as she had done, when Joel had touched her there. Oh... The time he had licked her there... The memory of that was quite visceral and her hips jolted forwards into thin air. A small moan escaped her lips. "Joel...."

 

***

 

The man closed his eyes. 'Restrain yourself, man!' This time, he had definitely made out his name in the small moans that were constantly escaping the delicate mouth of the girl on the other side of the door. 

There was no denying the stirring in his pants any longer. Damn! Why did she have to moan his name? Why, when he had promised not to touch her anymore? His inner struggle flared up again like a roaring flame: she wanted him to touch her, so he should, shouldn't he? But nothing had changed, he was still at least three times older than her and she was a minor! Maria and Tommy would not approve... But she wanted him! And he wanted her! But...  
He covered his face with his big, calloused hands. It was a gesture partly due to shame, partly to keep from putting his hands anywhere else. 'Fuck!!!' 

"Joel!" Another moan, this time louder, clearly distinguishable between her continued gasps. 

He couldn't stay here. His resolve would falter any second now, so his feet did the only right thing, walk in the direction of his room, shutting the door quickly behind him. 

His body didn't give his conscious any time to argue - he had barely closed the door behind him, when his hands has already opened his jeans and pulled out his dick. On their own accord, his long fingers had enclosed his stiff member and had begun striking up and down in a quick pace. There was nothing sweet or romantic about it: no Ellie to look up at him questioningly, trying to do everything right; no comfort in a hot shower... Just him, leaning against his door fully clothed, dick in hand, pumping until he found completion mere moments later. 

He tried stifling his moans almost successfully. The noises from the other room had decreased, too. Did that mean, Ellie had orgasmed as well? 

'Stop thinking about that, old pervert!' When would this inner scolding stop, he wondered for a moment. This battle against his better judgement was hard enough without having an inner voice chastising him at every turn...

 

***

 

Ellie panted slightly. Well, at least the edge was taken off a little bit, although she still felt the tension in her lower abdomen. She had definitely heard Joel's door close and wondered if he had heard the noises she had made before.

A blush rose to her cheeks. She liked the idea of him listening to her touching herself. Maybe that way, he would be confronted with the reality of things: just because they were trying to resume their normal manner of interacting didn't mean all that had been going on during the last months had just evaporated. There were repercussions: her body's memories of his touch for example. Her inner yearning for the man had all but subsided and just because she chose to respect his decision to not be intimate for now did not equal her forsaking her new found sexuality. 

Maybe if she could convince him how earnest her feelings, her desires were, he would go to Maria and fight for their relationship. Maybe her behavior now would induce him to react in a way different to his formerly shown shame and integrity to rules that did not longer apply (in her opinion). 

'What do they expect would change if we waited another three years?' Ellie didn't think she would feel any different about the man then. He would still be Joel, the man who had accompanied her on her mission to reach the fireflies; the man who had warmed to her despite his first irritation at her openness and foul mouth. The man who had claimed a huge part of her heart even before her "hormones" had started flaring up. 

He had lied to her, she knew that. The entire "how Joel and Ellie got to not be with the Fireflies" story he had told her was a big pile of crap. She knew that. She had known, when he had promised her. Nevertheless, even then, she had decided to stay with him, knowing that only something awful would have tempted him to lie to her. 

She crossed her room to the adjoining bathroom, went inside and washed her hands. A splash of water to the face and she felt as good as new. 'I must not think about what I just did' She tried to command her conscious. 'I must not think about, what I am about to do… I really shouldn't.' 

She took two steps to the left and knocked on Joel's bathroom door. There were some noises in his room before he grunted a low "come in" in her general direction.

"Joel?" She walked into the dark room and was surprised by the sweet and sweaty smell that greeted her upon entering. Joel was sitting on the edge of the bed, panting slightly, half of his shirt buttons as well as the fly of his jeans undone. 

They locked eyes and without hesitation, she went over to him and kissed him full on the lips. 

“Ellie…” he murmured against her lips but her tongue pushing inside his mouth shut him up swiftly. She knew they weren’t supposed to do that. He knew. 

She stopped kissing him a few moments later and looked at him intensely. 

“If we are just gonna touch ourselves anyways, why stay away from each other?” she whispered and leaned back in. The memory of her soft moans and her physical proximity did the trick and he embraced her, pulling her down onto his lap. Immediately, she started grinding her hips against his, feeling her moist sex rub against the layers of fabric still separating them. 

“Ah… Ellie…” he groaned, taking her hips and pressing them down even harder against his crotch. He still needed a moment, having relieved himself only a few minutes before, but the man could already feel the heat rise up in him again. His lips started moving towards her exposed neck, his hands began stroking her back.

“I want you, Joel. I want you now” the girl said in low voice. He halted and looked up at her again. How he wanted to have her, too! Only earnestness in her gaze, he knew, he didn’t have to ask if she was sure. Fuck Maria, fuck Tommy; they never needed to know, after all. 

Indicating Ellie to stand on her feet, he stood up as well. His hands moved to her shirt, which was hanging loose around her shoulders and pushed it down revealing her black bra underneath. Ellie halted, just trying to focus on her breathing. ‘This is really happening’ she thought and smiled up at Joel. 

Joel cupped Ellie’s face with his left hand and leaned in for another kiss. His other hand moved around her to undo her bra; it sprang open and Ellie herself took it off. Her small fingers were working on the fastened buttons of his shirt and while his hands found her breasts, she pushed down the fabric to reveal his bronzed torso. Mimicking his movements, she touched his pecs and started playing with his nipples, as she had done once before. 

They both moaned when Joel and Ellie simultaneously pinched each other’s nipples. Laughing slightly, Joel started caressing her arms, her rib cage and her abdomen, while Ellie started undoing his trousers. He kissed his way to her right ear, down her neck, along her cleavage and then to each breast, flicking his tongue over the sensitive buds. 

His jeans slid down his legs and he felt his hardening dick press against his briefs. Ellie’s fingers began teasing him, drawing lines along his abdomen close to the waistband of his underwear only to stop just before coming in touch with his member. He bit down on her left nipple impatiently and she gasped. 

“Sorry…” he mumbled, trying to appease her by softly licking and sucking at her breast, feeling a shudder run through her. Her hips pressed against him in response and his hands found her ass cheeks and squeezed. She moaned again. 

Ellie could hardly think straight with everything happening. It was difficult to focus on standing up; her knees asking her permission to just collapse. She just wanted to feel him on her, lick her, like he had done before, touch her inside, like he had done, feel him finally fill her …

As if awoken from a trance, she opened her eyes, a hand coming to his chest, pushing him slightly away from her. He let go of her ass, which he had kneaded the last few seconds. His eyes met hers, a half concerned look on his face. Did she want him to stop?

When she pushed a bit more, he fell backwards onto his bed. Propping himself up on his elbows, Joel saw Ellie tuck down her own panties. He caught a glimpse at the glistening inside of her underwear before the girl tossed it to the side and climbed atop him. His hands found her hips automatically and she ground down on his still covered cock.   
Ellie’s eyes fluttered shut and she let out a content sigh. She tried the movement again and Joel joined in on her movements, starting to moan in time with her.

“Please, Joel…” she whispered. 

“What do you want me to do?” he asked in a husky voice.

“Please, Joel… can you…?” she trailed on finger from his mouth down his body towards their joint crotches and he understood. 

Flipping them over quickly, he didn’t waste any time and slid down to the edge of the bed, settling in between her thighs. He forgot about leading up to it, like the last time, ignoring her inner thighs and her belly and simply kissed the mound of her sex. Her hips buckled up to meet his face. Joel started licking her clit, slowly at first, drawing little patterns across and around it. His fingers found her lower lips and began caressing them. Ellie moaned louder. 

“Please…” she begged and he dipped his index inside her entrance. She was so moist, so warm! He felt his dick twitch in anticipation. How he wanted to feel her walls around him… 

Sweet noises escaped her gaping mouth and her hands were in his hair, gripping, pushing, pulling. God, she tasted good! 

His middle finger joined his index, stating to push further into her. He was amazed at how easily she welcomed him to her most private parts. She was so warm, so soft, inside and out and he wondered, how he had ever deserved this gorgeous creature. 

“More, Joel…” she whispered and he complied picking up the pace of his tongue on her nob, pushing his fingers in deeper, scissoring her open. She groaned and her breathing became more ragged. Her hands in his hair pressed his face harder against her pelvis, her hips pushed up. Then she stilled and with a high-pitched sigh, she came a second later. He felt her walls contract and wanted nothing more than to feel them around his dick.

She panted, seemingly exhausted, but still managed to look down at where he was, still between her legs.

“Ellie?” he asked, unable to form all the words needed to convey what he wanted – what he needed. However, she seemed to understand and nodded, moaning again, as another wave of her ongoing orgasm hit her. 

He quickly kicked off his pants and settled back in-between her legs. One arm of his came around to hold her close, the other began caressing her side. He kissed her softly. 

“Joel…” she breathed against his lips and with that, his restraint went out of the window. He guided his dick to her entrance and felt her tense slightly. “It’s gonna be okay”, he whispered and she nodded. With one slow movement, he pushed in. His breath hitched – god she was so tight! So warm! So perfect! 

Ellie gasped beneath him. This felt weird… uncomfortable almost, but so good at the same time. She felt like a missing puzzle piece, that hadn’t been used yet, was being pushed into place. She felt a fullness she had never experienced before and when Joel halted, she exhaled and inhaled in quick succession. The tension she had felt in her lower abdomen since her first dream was finally dissolving. This was were they belonged, in each other arms, Joel inside her.

It took all of Joel to not start thrusting inside her then and there, so he waited for what seemed like an eternity. Once Ellie’s breathing normalized a bit, he pulled back slightly, then pushed in a little more than before. There was still some room, but he wanted her to adjust to this new feeling. 

Ellie felt even fuller. There was a sweet pain accompanying the pressure inside her. How was that possible? How could this feel so good?

Joel repeated his motion, all the while sliding in a bit deeper with every slight movement. Ellie sighed again and he moaned, when he felt her pelvic muscles contract around him. Did she know, she was doing this to him? 

Ellie couldn’t explain what was happening anymore, couldn’t distinguish between where her body ended and his began. Something tensed inside her, something good. She felt Joel shudder above her. Tilting her head upwards, she looked at his face. 

His eyes met hers, his whole face tense in concentration. She kissed him and felt his facial muscles relax a little. He pushed in again and she moaned. “Yes…” she murmured. The man began thrusting in a slow pace, pushing her body down against the mattress. She loved how he started to pant, how during some thrusts, a groan would escape his mouth. Just for her.

On their own accord, her legs started moving upwards a little, coming around his waist and giving him more access to her sex all of a sudden. “Argh…” she gasped, when his member brushed a sensitive spot inside her on his next movement. 

“Oh god Ellie…” Joel gasped. She smiled. He loved her. He loved this. Why had he ever resisted?

He sped up, making their bodies and the bed shift back and forth in his chosen rhythm. “UGH!” she groaned and he halted. He had hit something deep inside her – hard. “Sorry, Ellie, I am sorry…” he started. “Don’t stop!” she demanded in return so he began again, slowly, shallowly pushing into her at first, but a sense of urgency had filled her so she pushed against his chest, till he came to a halt again. 

“What?” he asked in bewilderment. “Move!” she snarled. He backed away, but soon enough, Ellie sat up and pushed him down to the mattress, sliding a leg across his crotch, straddling him. She sat down, then, realizing that she actually had to guide him, took his hard dick in her hands and slid down on top of it. She shut her eyes and sighed once more. A short burning sensation – then the delicious feeling of being completed again. This felt fucking amazing. 

She began riding him a little too fast. He couldn’t keep up with her rhythm so he just let her do what she felt she needed. On the next slide down, she stilled, enjoying the new sense of fullness provided by this position. She began moving her hips in a circular movement, rubbing her clit against his pelvis. That, however, just wasn’t enough. “Fuck” she exclaimed and desperately started riding him again. 

‘Well, some things need to be learned’, he thought to himself and gripped her hips, stilling her movement mid-air. He began pounding into her from below, making her moans and groans erratic, her breathing shallow and her hands grasping his chest. The increased pace, the vibrations on her sex made her forget everything around her and she climaxed again, collapsing against him. A few more thrusts, then the contracting of her inner muscles, her scent, the softness of her skin on his and her moans sent him over the edge as well. 

 

****


End file.
